In just few days, Ramadhan will be over and next week, I will be in 2 weeks holiday. My first holiday for the past 2 years and I am so looking forward to it.

The sky is dark and particles of water has started drizzling slowly from the sky. It made the sound of gentle tap on my window in the 9th floor and I found my self gazing at it longingly. I love rain. I hope I could be home right now curling in bed with my kids pressing their apple cheeks on me.

A month from now and I will complete a full year in my new ‘marriage’. It has been an interesting journey with more ups rather than down. Got few bruises, but who doesn’t? But what is most important is, it satisfied me. It feels so good to be able to work to your heart content and have a partner who naturally aligned since the beginning.

I have just been informed that I have new challenge ahead of me. I feel excited as much as nervous. It’s an honour that my ‘husband’ thinks that I am capable. But on the other hand, I am still very much in love with my partner. It will be heartbreaking to loose it. But my ‘husband’ seemed to think that others could make use of me better too and they need help. So, we’ll see. I asked for several extra days to think. Acceptance will come with consequence. And I need to think. And right now my brain is covered by mix emotions with the thought of leaving a loved one. But sometimes you have to leave your loved one to grow. Oh well…happy holiday everybody. Minal Aidin wal Faidzin. Mohon Maaf Lahir dan Bathin.

I have been so busy lately. So many things to write, so little time I had. I have been left with words dancing at the end of my fingers trying to get through. Let me trying to get through some of them today. More are coming.

On April 5, my big family and I went to my youngest brother’s girl friend’s house to formally propose her to be his wife. The occasion went well, regardless the fact that Mika and Pascal were being their usual curious self. Kids. They are so funny. They did not realise that this is a big moment for their favorite uncle. So they kept on climbing to his lap. When I moved forward to bring the ring, they jumped out from their chairs and kept on asking, “What is that, Mom? What is that?” Mika could easily look at it whereas Pascal kept on jumping. Apart from that, there was no major incident. Thank God.

On April 8, we celebrated Pascal’s 3rd birthday in his pre-school. The 2 - 3 years old children are the cutest creature. They looked at me with their blank look when I sang Peter Pan’s song. Their eyes were like, “What is this woman doing here???”…hehehehe…so cute! Pascal’s birthday party theme was Transformers. His cake got Optimus Prime and Star Scream. It was great. 

On travel note, this coming Thursday and Friday, I will be travelling to Batam to visit the North Belud-ers. The WHP and Platform is in project stage in McDermott and Nippon Steel fabrication yard. I really look forward to see it.

And by end of April towards the beginning of May, I will be travelling Offshore again. Yay!! I really look forward to return to those beautiful production fields and meet the people. I hope they will be gentle with me.

I will write more, I promise!

I have not fully recovered from the muscle pain I gained from the previous TBOSIET training and intensive pilates exercise when I was hit again with one full day outdoor activity during HR team building.

It was a 2 days activity from 14 to 16 Dec at Rumah Jambuluwuk which is located in Bogor, Ciawi. The place is nice, the air is refreshing, the acquintances are fun and the food is great. What a perfect combination.

But what ’refresh’ me most was the whole day trekking on the second day. When I asked my friend who was the committee about the activity, she told me that it would be very low impact as our boss was very concern about our safety. And the fact that we brought 3 security guards, 1 policeman, 2 our own fire extinguishers with us seemed to prove this point. Moreover, the place where the game would be held will be a kid’s play ground. Yeah right.

The trekking was no low impact at all. It was started quite easily at first where we still can chat and giggling endlessly. But when we start entering the padi fields area that’s where my pink nike shoes really face challenge. The trek was muddy and seemed to be an endless up and down, not to mention that it was slippery. Thank God the team was solid and we really looked after each other.

The only dissappointment was the instructor. He was no help at all. Of course he is not suppose to help but the way he answered our question was really hopeless. The instructor kept on asking “Do you have any questions?” and later on answering any questions with the monotonous zombie tone, “Read the instruction”. One of my friend finally explode and saying, “So what kind of answer that you can offer us?? You are not helping at all! I don’t want to see you here!”. Hihihi… 

After that, we went through series of physical games where our endurance was really challenged. One of the toughest game was walking on the block where our balancing capability was really tested. There goes personal embarrasment as we were required to literally hang on to each other. Body to body. Head to toe. Sweat to sweat. So much for personal hygiene.

Other than that, it was really a fun 2 days that gave me the opportunity to know my new colleagues better. We sang and danced endlessly and at this point, I felt really lucky to join this group. They are a bunch of fun people who are easy to be with. And now I have to deal with the physical pain.

Note: after that event, I went straight to Bersih Sehat and had an hour body massage. And the next day I hit the gym again. Surprisingly, my insomnia seemed to fully recovered. I guess I really do have to exercise.

I just returned from 3 days Tropical Basic Off Shore Safety Induction Emergency Training in Cilegon. If you are a Fear Factor lovers, this will be like mini Fear Factor episode.

Day 1 - Fire Fighting and Safety Induction

We left the pick up point in Senayan at 6 am with a bus. I was so sleepy as I went home quite late the night before. And it was raining. The sky was grey and these particles of water hitting the window make a soft dripping voice that I love so much. I had Keane on my ears and it was not long before I started to feel very sleepy and at a point of dozing off. But the scenery of rice fields were so refreshing and later on I had somebody by my side that kept on talking to me and keeping me awake. He made the long journey seemed short. Thank God.

The day 1 program was fire fighting and safety induction. One of the training was a simulation of what should you do if you are trapped inside a rig and need to find your way out. Bear in mind that everything was dark and smokey. We were taught on how to climb down the ladder safely and how to hang on to our buddies etc. It was good. I think I did ok. The only obstacle is only the heat and humidity. Being an indoor air-conditioned typed of person I felt like I was boilt alive inside the silo wrapped in the fire retardant coat, boots and helmet. And being the only woman in the group, I soon realised that the reason why everybody was being perfect gentlemen to me and keep on saying “ladies first” was not totally out of courtesy. There was a hidden agenda underneath these manner. Hmm…

Day 2 - HUET (Helicopter Under Emergency Training)

I would say that this is the funnest part. It is where you are being put inside a chopper and dropped into the water upside down. You will need to find your way out. Being a swimmer and water sport lover, I found it pretty easy. I was commented as really taking my time in taking my way out. I have always been the last one to surface. I am not sure whether I would be able that relax under the real situation. I hope I will never be put into the real helicopter ditching situation. Amien.

Day 3 - First Aid Training and Sea Survival

I had passed Basic First Aid Training before so I have nothing much to say. The sea survival, however, was really a test to my fear of height. I had no problem being in a closed environment with a room full of water and had my head upside down, that’s still tolerable and bearable. But to jump from 6 meter high platform, now that’s a problem! I could feel fear gripping me under and not long after seeing how blue the water below was, my heart pounded so hard against my ribs and my breath became slow. It was so slow to a point I almost could not breath. I had to ask the instructor to wait. He kept on telling me to take a deep breath and not to look down. Everything will be all right. But it was not all right. My palms started to sweat and my knee started to give away. I finally made up my mind. I took the jumping position. Closed my eyes and jumped.

It was the worst feeling in the world. It was as if I left my intestines outside and I never hit the water. I slide and slide and slide and where oh where those goddamn safe water??? When I finally hit the water the impact surprised me but I felt better and in control instantly. I had an instructor grabbed my life jacket and pulling me farther. It took a while before I could calm my own self.

So that was the last program. After that, we had the bus took us back to Jakarta. Unlike the journey to Cilegon, I had made a lot of friends during my journey home. 2 hours went just like that and I had my self dropped off in CITOS. It was a fun 3 days where I did nothing but laugh, making new friends and conquer my fear. I sure hope that none of those simulation will ever happen to me in real situation. But if they do, I hope I will be able to survive it. I feel so much prepared for my next month trip off shore now.

Without realising it, tomorrow will be the 30th day I am working in my new ‘home’. I had begun to see things that need to be tidied up sooner rather than later, things that can be improved and some of the dirts that had been swept under the rug. That’s what a home is for me. When you begun to see things that you would not see in the first place and you stay to make things better.

I miss my old friends terribly. I miss some most -my heart is still aching whenever I think about them- and there are some that I am glad to leave. I miss the afternoon coffee and seeing familiar faces in the corridor. I miss the luxurious surroundings. But I certainly do not miss the load and pressure. Tee hee.

But what relieve me most is no more never ending hours meeting. No more battling the traffic on my (very late) journey home. There are only few things on my plate. Although they are HUGE but the variety is less. Enough for me to chew properly one at a time. Enought for me to sip a drink once in a while. And enough for me to really enjoy every bite of it. And I will be helped. It is so relieving to be surrounded by experts. Knowing that everything is shared and discussed, and way to move forward had been thought through. I did not realise how much I appreciate this kind of quality until I feel how calm and focus I can be. I just realised that I have almost gone through a month without feeling depressed or suicidal at all. I am sure that there will be tough times ahead of me, but at least I know that help will always be there. And as long as you have tried your best, you will not be blamed. I have a beautiful life.

After 9.5 years ‘marriage’, on Wednesday 31 Oct I finally and formally end it. Finish. The End. Period. It was heartbreaking. It took 2 lunches, 3 dinners and 1 karaoke to let out the emotional tension. Although it is my own choice to end this, I must admit that there are still few things that I love from my soon to be ex-husband. And he was very sweet in my last moments. He bought me flowers and made my place look like a mini garden. *sniff* But life must go on…

So on 1 Nov, I formally enter my new ‘house’ which is bigger and better. My first day was kinda blurry with faces of new people and me stumbling from work station to work station trying to keep up. My new ‘husband’ was very nice. He made sure that I was look after and always kept me company on my first day.

I lost Angelina but then I got Orlando which is bigger and heavier. Argh! I missed Angelina already! I had felt so comfortable with her slim body. And when I moved around her buttons, she really did flying. Orland is square-ey and it needs more pressure and more hands to get him moving. My fingers need to re-adjust to my new partner.

 I also got Bruce. I really am into threesome this time.

Other than my new ’sex’ partners, my new place is nicer and in the clear morning I can see the mountain in southern part of Jakarta. The food is endless and the distance is so much better. But the coffee is worse. Well, you can’t have it all. I am so happy. But I miss my siblings…. Oh well, life goes on.

The first day after I broke the news, my ’spouse’ called. Again, he tried to persuaded me to stay. Said that he will change. Said that it was all misunderstanding and miscommunication. Said that there is still future between us. More money. A car. No, darling. It wasn’t that. It was something deeper than that. He said that I would leave a big hole in his heart and how I wish that he could make me stay. Well, I am sorry, my mind is made up. I said stubbornly. He finally gave in and hung up.

In the afternoon, I was summoned to his corner. He looked at me with his blue eyes and again, tried to talk me out of it. At that time I begun to grew tired of this camaraderie. I am not trading because I have nothing to sell. So before he could talk long, I emphasized one more time that I had fallen out of love. You couldn’t provide me with I want. What I want is no longer here. I want to move on. It’s not about the money or the car. I am not playing hard to get. I am gone. My soul is no longer in this marriage. I want out. Full stop. I think the message finally sunk in. He finally said, “I am sad that you leave, but I am happy if you are happy.” Thank you, sweetheart.

And the next step is to tell my ’siblings’. He took us out to a nice dinner where we chatted and he was as charming as he could be. Then he dropped the news. Everybody was heartbreakingly quiet. Several sisters looked at me and look down with tears hanging on their eye lashes. One particular sister, my favorite little sister, refused to look at me. The only person who seemed to understand is the youngest sister. She hugged me and said nothing else. I cried on my way home. But what is done is done. I can’t turn back especially since my new ’spouse’ has announced our wedding to his family.

After a long contemplation, I finally decided to get ‘divorce’ and ‘re-married’.

The courting process was very quick, not more than two months. You can call me an easy woman if you want to but I was so happy when last night the best man met me to give me the ‘ring’. It was a beautiful ‘ring’. Better than I expected. Better than what my ‘husband to be’ promised me to give. So I was happily put on the ring and gave my commitment. The day to live together has been set and the scope, role and responsibility are clarified. All are looking good so far.

Now come the difficult part. Getting a ‘divorce’ from my current ’spouse’. I picked my time carefully. Fortunately few hours before I committed my self, my current ’spouse’ showed me what he planned me to do. He did not know that I would not be there by that time to fulfil my committment. Hence, I told him the truth. Although I have fallen out of love, he is my ’spouse’ after all. To him I committed my self for the past 9 years and 5 months. He deserved a little respect called honesty. So I opened my self. I truthfully said that I wanted to end this ‘marriage’ and in the process of marrying somebody else. This marriage did not work for me. Fortunately he has been very understanding. He said a lot of nice things but I have lost my trust. I didn’t really care whether what he said was truth or not. I simply didn’t care. I want to move on with my life. With my new ’spouse’ and my new life. I hope everything will be better.

Something that I can not write freely here have been happening to me lately. This thing had been bothering me for quite sometimes for its potential impact and influence on my soul and sanity.

It finally reached its climax beginning of this week where I was forced to sit down with hubby and discuss our option. Living in this status quo will no longer be an option. There should be an end to this situation.

As usual, the practical side of me always approach thing in excel table evaluation. But there’s something that can not be quantified there. Things so called emotion. Hubby reminded me that an option that I tend to take will impact the emotion side of me quite heavily. And if I do take it, the damage might be beyond financial repair. So at the moment, I am taking the endevour of other options. Hopefully this long and winding road will end in a happier place.

Pray for me, will you?

And I do apologize if any of the decision will hurt some of you…it will never be the intention for I care for you so much…it is a decision that I am forced to make. Will you forgive me?

We had Company Annual Dinner couple of week a go where we were required to wear our traditional dress. Being a pure bred introvert, at first I did not want to come. The thought of having to wear traditional dress was major turn off. Heck, I skipped it when there was no dress code, why should I come now? Anyway, the spirit jived the whole office and I got jazzed up. The last thing I know I had agreed to wear Srikandi costume.

For those of you who do not know Srikandi, she is a female heroine from Bharatayudha war epic. An archer from Wirata Kingdom. She was married (dating? sleeping partner only? I don’t really know her moral stand point) to Arjuna, the most handsome brother of Pandawa who was very good in archery, including piercing his love arrow into a woman’s heart. Yes, Arjuna was a major player and a major babe. However, Srikandi, being an independent female heroine, did not really bother by it. She fought side by side with her husband (boy friend? sleeping partner?) leading an army fighting the bad guy, whilst her husband’s other wives (girl friends? concubines?) were left behind or hide in a tent. At least that’s what I thought happened for there was no story about other female heroine in Bharatayudha story. You can check the story here.

Anyway, I got so hang up with the thought of wearing Srikandi’s dress and carrying arrow, I was so excited and could not wait for the event to come. And when the event comes, I was really busy in the office and was one of the last who left to the hotel. By the time I got there, my friend Ratna, who played Dewi Shinta (a queen from Ramayana war epic who was kidnapped by a giant of Alengka) has already dressed up. That was the first time I realized how low the blouse was cut. It’s sort of tube dress and I could see my friend’s cleavage peeping on top of it. Yikes! I suddenly had cold feet and decided against it.

However, another friend of mine, who had spent nights hunting for the costume looked at me in rage so I changed my mind again. If looks could kill, hers was. Hence, I dare my self to put on the dress and heavy make up and decided to have a great evening. And regardless the fact that I had additional accessories (check blackberry on my waist - I was on ER duty that night, hence should be on call at anytime) and that my arrows has knocked down a glass of red wine and tore some my friends’ kebaya + stuck in their sanggul, I did had a great evening.

From the colorful dress people wearing and the spirit it was a great night. I had a great time blending with others and the dresses were really a feast for my eyes. My friend Ratna won the female best dress and our GM, ehm!, won the male best dress. A major K.A was on its way, I would say, but shhh…I kept my silence and try to ignore the cold fact.

I took one day leave last Wednesday to go to Mika’s school. Mika’s school was conducted Write, Read and Count session for the parents. It is a sharing knowledge session on how to teach our children to write, read and count and made it fun in the same time.

I was the first (and the only) parent who came on time. I entered the class when the kids were praying. They were about to have their brunch. Once they finished praying, they lifted their heads and all of sudden panic gripped me as I faced around 25 questioning little faces. A very cute little boy greet me, “Hello, who are you?” so I told him that my name is Shine and I am Mika’s mother. The class was suddenly buzzed with excitement as they thought that day was Mika’s birthday. I could see my boy frantically said that today was not his birthday. The teacher finally able to explain to them that there will be meeting so that’s settled the rumor.

I sat in the corner (grinning and) watching them opening their lunch boxes. All the girls seemed to bring pink backpack with pink lunch box in it. They sat quietly eating their lunch. The boys, well, they are boys. They were noisy and seemed unable to sit tight. One boy came to me with a pack of chocolate and asked me to help him open it. I asked his name. He said that his name is Ryan. Not long after that, Ryan came again this time asked me to open his juice bottle. Now I am the Teacher Assistant.

After that, they sat in a circle and sing Frog song. Again, the girls sang beautifully whilst the boys busy giggling and shoved each others. That was the time when the other parents started to come and we were ushered to another room.

The session it self was very good and informative. I could tell that Mika’s reading lesson has worked well so he was one of the advance readers in his class but he still has a lot to learn. He seemed ready to go to elementary. My baby boy! He seemed to grow too fast.

I was a bit worried as I learnt that in the elementary, nobody will help him to go the toilet. He will have to be fully capable in washing him self. I also learnt that the elementary toilet is not a sitting toilet. It’s another kind of toilet which Mika is not trained to do. Oh dear. We will need to train him to use it. The joy of growing up!

If previously I thought that my corporate life has rotated faster and very busy, well, apparently it was not fast enough nor it were busy enough.

Ever since our new boss joined us almost four weeks a go, my head has became my toes and my toes has became my head. She came and slammed me in. The good thing, she is a very energetic woman and this is very contagious. She seemed to radiate positive energy and energized me in every way. Her style is to solve as many issues as possible in the speed of lightning. I like it.

The bad thing is, my already stretched work hours are even more stretch now. If I used to work to 10 hours a day now I am stretched to 12 to 14 hours a day. Every day I came at 6:30 am and went home at 7 to 8 pm and no, this is not about me unable to managing my time, it is the load. The load is crazy and overwhelming, and yet is fun. There’s sense of accomplishment and self satisfaction when I end the day. But I missed seeing my kids in ‘alive’ condition (read: not sleeping). It made my weekend seemed so precious and I appreciate my time with my family more.

In the middle of this hustle and bustle, I and hubby managed to spend a night away from the kids to rejuvenate our selves. It’s been three days since last time I spoke to hubby (literally!) and I sent him a text message to ask him what is going on. He seemed so stressed out with his (also!) overwhelming job. So I asked him whether he has a hotel voucher, which he did. The next day we packed up and spent the Friday night together as a couple. We left the kids under my mother and brother’s supervision and had the time of our lives. Great! 

I also managed to go to Gresik again for one day. My boss and I went in the morning and left in the afternoon. Although we did not manage to go to the On Shore Production Facilities, it was a very productive trip indeed. We had good discussions with the field managers and get enough material to draft the new policy. Yet I was so exhausted and fell asleep on my way home. If the driver was not excellence, we would have lost on our way home

And the mother of all days was the past two days when the heavy run poured down Jakarta. Jakarta garbage clogged rivers has started to building up water beyond the normal level. That and the water from the mountain have effectively created one of the biggest floods for the past 5 years in Jakarta. If things were terrible on Friday, it gets worse on Saturday. And due to some people slow response, we were forced to take matters into our hands and evacuated our friends from their houses. I worked throughout Friday night and Saturday with my new energetic manager and dear old friend who had been nothing but great, pro active and helpful. We have managed to evacuate two families to the Hotel. One of them was young family with baby transported by rubber boat. Previously there were already three families also being evacuated. One of them was a family of expatriate saved by the marine’s boat.

Sunday afternoon seemed to be better. The sun started to shine and my phone has stopped ringing. I hope things will be just fine.