BEWARE: WEIRD CONFESSION AHEAD

Lets pretend that we are in an Employee Assistant Program session with a Spychologist eh Psychologist that listen to your rambling with ‘template’  procedural face…

It has been a while since I got the feeling that I am actually a man trapped inside a woman’s body. Yup. Weirdo. That’s what hubby, Mom and friends said about me. Definitely too much testosterone. Probably due to the steroids I consumed for years to keep my Lupus at bay, no wonder I grew moustache…just kidding!

Don’t get me wrong, physically and tastefully (if there’s such a word) I am very woman. I like to go to salon for hours, dye my hair, crazy about pink, put on make up, dressed in beautiful dresses, afraid of weight gain, press my tooth paste neatly, put dirty laundry in a basket and not leaving it on the floor, pull out the clothes out of rack in proper manner, crazy about hygiene, paranoid on security, worried about freckles and gravity, change my mind a lot …and the list could go on and on. You name it.

But on the other hand, I don’t really into celebrity gossips, romantic movies, mellow songs, endless shopping or hours of heart pouring emotion episodes females use to have and I am not into crying. In fact, I found difficulties to cry. It actually feels good if I could cry. But I couldn’t. And a worst day in the Offshore production field to me is still a better day than a good day in the kitchen.

Other than that, I have more men friends rather than women friends, and yet they all are platonic. I felt so much more comfortable with men rather than with women (although I am not sure whether the feeling is mutual!) so when you see me with a man, don’t jump into conclusion. They are my buddies entirely. I am more interested to national geographic, discovery and other seriously boring science type of information. I prefer data, facts and clear guidelines. I despised emotions as that is not my arena. Really. How weird is that for an HR person?

Anyway, last night I had chat with an old friend of mine who I literally grew up with. He was my neighbour and we went to the same school for years. He was (and still is) one of hubby’s best friend so he knew both of us since we were children. He started as play boy of the year and ended up as one of the most religious man on earth. And his conclusion was that I am not man trapped inside a woman’s body. But I am a woman living a man’s life. There’s a different. My job and my role required some masculinity in me. Androginity. Hence I am experiencing some sort of mild gender confusion. This is more into my conclusion rather than his.

So, no wonder I kept on feeling that there’s a missing piece in me. Something fallen not quite on its place. Left a hole in me. Making me feel incomplete, or it’s not right. Or not natural.

Thank you for bearing with me. I just admit. I am a mutan.