In just few days, Ramadhan will be over and next week, I will be in 2 weeks holiday. My first holiday for the past 2 years and I am so looking forward to it.

The sky is dark and particles of water has started drizzling slowly from the sky. It made the sound of gentle tap on my window in the 9th floor and I found my self gazing at it longingly. I love rain. I hope I could be home right now curling in bed with my kids pressing their apple cheeks on me.

A month from now and I will complete a full year in my new ‘marriage’. It has been an interesting journey with more ups rather than down. Got few bruises, but who doesn’t? But what is most important is, it satisfied me. It feels so good to be able to work to your heart content and have a partner who naturally aligned since the beginning.

I have just been informed that I have new challenge ahead of me. I feel excited as much as nervous. It’s an honour that my ‘husband’ thinks that I am capable. But on the other hand, I am still very much in love with my partner. It will be heartbreaking to loose it. But my ‘husband’ seemed to think that others could make use of me better too and they need help. So, we’ll see. I asked for several extra days to think. Acceptance will come with consequence. And I need to think. And right now my brain is covered by mix emotions with the thought of leaving a loved one. But sometimes you have to leave your loved one to grow. Oh well…happy holiday everybody. Minal Aidin wal Faidzin. Mohon Maaf Lahir dan Bathin.

I was down with flu last week. Fevering up and down, coughing and runny nose. Too much of a good time.

Anyway, I went with full rejuvenating plan for the weekend. Started with having spa at Boenga. The place is very nice and the massage is wonderful. The private room has its own bath tub and it’s in a quiet surroundings. Ah, how I love quietness. If you work in HR and have 2 boys at home, quietness is a luxury you don’t always get. 

So one of the Massager took me into a room and soon after I laid down my back, I started to feel very sleepy whilst the Massager dimmed the light. She was so good and gently massaging my knotted muscle. I felt very relaxed looking down to the flowers being placed on the water bowl beneath the bed whilst inhaling the lavender fume. I could feel my sore throat got better already and my head went a little bit lighter. She did not make any noise at all, so quiet and I found my self struggle to keep my self awake to enjoy the massage. Fortunately I managed to stay awake (I guess - and if I fell asleep, I hope I did not snore and talk in my sleep). I was fully awaken with the voice of water dripping to the bath tub.

Apparently the lady prepared the bath. I politely declined her help to bath me and politely asked her to leave the room. No, I don’t need your help to scrub my back. No, I don’t need your help to hand me the towel. Yes, please light up the candle. But that’s it. Please leave the room. Taking a bath is MY private moment, and unless you are an Orlando Bloom you are not welcomed to join me. Eh, Orlando Bloom and my husband, of course. Sorry, hubby…hihihi…

The next day, I went to Salon. I had mint sorbet creambath which feels very cool and refreshing against my hot scalp. And I had manicured as well. And when my favourite hair dresser finished with my hair, I felt totally brand new. Ready to date hubby to watch Hell Boy 2 at PIM.

Ah what a weekend. I hope I could have more weekends like that.

If there are anything I treasured more than my family and my books, they are friends and their friendship.

Being a solitaire at heart, I have never been ” a friends’ person”. In my youth, I did not gang up or part of any “cool” group. I was more an…uhm…independent soul who did not identify her self with a group of people. A loner to be precised. Don’t get me wrong, I do make acquaintances, but friends? Probably it will take a while until I could call somebody a friend. And when I found one, usually he/she will be my friend for a very long time, if it is not for live time.

With this ”strange” perception and approach, I am fortunate to came across some good men and women that I have been holding dear in my heart. And if I am fortunate enough, I am developing new friendship and mitigating the risk of being lonely in my busy life.

Last night, I had dinner with several dear soul with character who I considered friends. Friends who had been (and will be) with me during our ups and down. As expected, it was full of laughter and jokes dinner which will wrinkle some conservative nose. And there were some conservative soul as well who did wrinkle their noses. But nobody got offended and everybody trust each other. We did not have to worry that our discussion and comment will be fallen to the wrong ears and perceived differently or analysed differently. Now that’s what I called friends. People who we can be our selves and feel secure to be our selves.

And if I am lucky, I will have another dinner with another bunch of friends on Thursday. I really look forward to it for they had shed some light into my life. Their present refreshed me. And the thought of meeting them had already make my self feel better.

And if any of you read this, I want to thank you for being my friend. Probably you will never know how I treasure your existence in my life, but I do. I hope that we can meet more, but as we all know, we all are busy with our lives and that’s fine. I will always hold you dear in my heart wherever you are. 

Will it surprise you if I told you that I love pirates?

Well, since I love every ocean thing, it shouldn’t have surprise you, should it? I love pirates and their hidden treasures, secret maps, ships, flags, swords and canons. And I also adore their rebellious unruly superstitious attitude and cunning mind. Hmmm…am I just revealing another side of me?

Anyway, I love pirates and I am very pleased to find that my boys love them too. Well, Mika to be precised, and whatever liked by his brother, Pascal would love it too. So, last weekend, we happened to bumped in the the sequal of Pirates of the Caribbean and Mika has been watching the trilogy every since. He brought out his old pirate lego and long before I realised, I have cannon ball shot everywhere in the room.

I watched the trilogy in cinema years a go. But when I watched it again in a row, I noticed things that I missed and I appreciate it more. I marvel at Jack Sparrow’s dishonesty. And I marvel their old english. And the love of Davy Jones to Calipso one more time.

Now, let me close my eyes, and dream that I am on the deck of a pirate ship for a while. Before I start my Monday morning. Yo ho! Yo ho! Have a good Monday everybody…

I spent all weekend reading the first three books out of four Laskar Pelangi Tetralogy . The first two (Laskar Pelangi and Sang Pemimpi) are truly un-put-down-able. Totally. I was so engulfed with the wordings and detail description I read it through sahur until maghrib. It was so educating, funny and far from lecturing. I would recommend any warm bodies to read them.  

And today, as I spent almost half day writing an essay that (I hope) would guarantee me a seat in my dreamed business school, the theme of the essay -which is ‘The Meaning of Success To Me’- I found my self ending up equaling Success with Happiness and below is an excerpt of what I wrote:

The meaning of success to me is if  you could balance things that are important to you in your life and doing that within the boundaries of your religion and norms.

When I wrote the summary, my mind went to Ikal’s struggle for education and better life in Laskar Pelangi. And yet, he never once compromise his religion and values. Never once, disrespect his parents and family. His Lone Ranger was his distance cousin. A relative. He even ditched his beautiful girlfriend who he thought the value is very different than his. He did not give up to the influence of physical love.

And I learned so much in these two days from these three books.

I learned that Memory of Childhood is very powerful. Much more powerful than the most expensive toys a parent could procure for a child. It will serve as blue print to the values of the children and inherit it to their children too one day. Our descendent. The Next Generation. And I remembered, that long time a go, a child Psychologist told me, “Sometimes we give our children things that they don’t need, and most of the times -under the name of work etc- we didn’t give them what they truly need. What our children truly need are our time and undivided attention.” And tears welled up my eyes remembering all the time lost, all the small improvement I missed and times when I really disconnect with them. I hope it’s not too late now…

I also learned that you have to chased your dream. You have to have a dream, and not let your life flow day by day without any objective. And the objective you have, you have to pursue it. Make effort to get it.

The other thing I learned is every single aspect of our life, every single dissappointment, big happiness or small achievement, all the motional roller coaster we rode, people we met, people we said good bye, people we loved and people we despised…they all are pieces of mosaic of our lives. When things fell into place, as years goes by, we’d understand why it happened. Everything happened for a reason. We are yet to give the knowledge of it today. Just be patient and you’ll learn. God is not ignorant, He was only waiting for the right time to give what we prayed for.

Last but not least, your faith, your effort and what God wrote for you will affect your life. But even if we don’t succeed in accordance to the human’s criteria, it might be a major achievement in another area. Happiness will not come with promotion, more money or more credentials. Neither will come with having family or big luxurious houses or more cars. You need to have the ability to create happiness within your self. That even a small thing, as long as within the boundaries, will give you a happiness, without a side effect. The process is as important (if it is not more) than the result.

Hah, I feel so hungry now with all these serious thought!

People said that when we have good neas and bad news, we should always started by giving good news first, hence the blow of bad news will not be as bad as it could have been. But for me this morning, no good news could soften the blow of Sharon’s passed away.

I never met Sharon. But for the past 8 years, she has been like a family I never met. It started when I joined the group when my Lupus flared again on 2000. I have just gotten married at that time and just lost my pregnancy due to Lupus flare. It was so devastating and I joined the group for support. Sharon was the one of the first members who reached out to me. Making sure that I am okay, my questions are answered, and my worried is dissappeared and along the years, she has became so close to me and my family, and act like an auntie for my sons. I sent her my sons’ picture and she edited and posted it in her website. Every Ramadhan, Eid, New Year and other Moslem’s celebration, she always sent me e-card. She never failed to do that unless she was bed ridden. When tsunami hit Indonesia, she was so worried and sent me e-mail constantly. Me and my constant busy-ness (have I ever not busy with my self??), I could check my personal e-mail only once per couple of months. And whenever I found her e-mail or e-card, they always warmed my heart. Knowing that somebody whom I never met (or even talk!) cared about me and that my existence meant to her. And I told her many things, shared many feelings and thought that I never shared with anyone before. It felt so save having her just across the globe and yet so close to the corner of my heart.

Therefore, when I found Sherry’s e-mail this morning about her departure on 19 Aug, I wept on my table. I knew that I am fasting and not suppose to cry but I cried anyway. I regret for not contacting her often enough. Not checking up on her, not even paying attention to her dissappearance. I just thought that she was bed ridden. I was so damn busy with my life. So damn busy with my commitment and I forgot my friend. So selfish, individualist and ignorance. And so I cried for Sharon this morning and for all the wonderful feeling she brought into my life. I am not sure whether I ever give her any of those feelings or whether my existence meant as good as her existence to me and I am so sorry that I never had the chance to return all of her kindness.

And what is the good news? I went to the lab to test my Lupus on Tuesday and went to the doctor yesterday and my Lupus is okay. I am in a good condition. Healthy. Alive and kicking. And I need only to be tested again 6 months from now. This good news doesn’t seem to good again this morning. It seemed so mundane and trivial.

Anyway, I need to collect my self. Farewell, dear friend…I hope God will give you the best place on His side. I will pray for you and the memory of you will always embedded in me. I will tell my sons one day, when they are big enough to understand, that you were like a fairy god mother to us. And that her life has touched so many life in my family. I love you, Sharon.

It’s another Ramadhan. Another year full of sins challenge has went by. Will I ever be able to wash it and purify my self this year? Will I finally be able to seek for God forgiveness and be a better me for the rest of my life. I am still not sure.

It has been a while since I wrote anything. What should I write now? Hmmm…

I am mustering courage to continue my study. I am planning to take an MM program in a Business School very close to my office. And I had went there with a colleague of mine for an information session and so far I liked what I am hearing.

Things have been very busy in the office. As usual. But I am trying to do better and spend more time with the kids. I have grown a habit to play badminton every weekend. And just be there, mentally. Blackberry is such a tool of evil, without me realising my addiction had started to disturb my time with my family. Mika could already complained. So I’d better start tapering down. Seriously. I will try to tapering down for the zillionth times.

In general life has been a series of ups and down episodes for me. With the down more than the ups. But hey, that’s what life is, right? So I am doing the best I can to stay positive and hope that it will all be over soon.

In the spirit of holy Ramadhan, maaf lahir dan bathin.