If I thought that I had gotten over my ‘divorce‘ completely, I was wrong.

People said that first love never dies. I never realise how true it is until recently. My ‘ex-husband’-in a way- has been doing pretty good recently. And I can’t help to feel a flip of joy whenever I heard something good about him or happening to him. I can’t help not to feel a sense of pride when he achieved something. On the other hand, my stomach churned when I heard something bad is happening to him. Or I knew something bad is going to happen, but being an ‘ex-wife’, there’s nothing I can do about it anymore. He is not my problem anymore.

Our so called ‘relationship’ had been going hot and cold recently with a lot of mixed feelings. Thinking things I should have not been thinking anymore. Caring things I should have not been cared anymore and feeling things that I should have not been feeling anymore. It drove me nuts. People also said that too much love will kill you, if you can’t make up your mind. Torn between the lovers and the love you left behind. They are right, you know.

I know and realise that I am very much in love with my ‘new husband’. He gives me everything I want. Everything I need. And I am truly happy in my new marriage. But there’s a sense of familiarity that I missed so much. I missed it so much my heart is aching with pain of wanting to see my ‘ex-husband’. I know that this feeling will poison me. Will stop me from moving on and continue my life. But currently I just don’t know on how to stop it. Shall I erase everything? And I mean, everything? I don’t think I can do it either. But to think, to care and to feel…it’s unbearable. I wish I have the capability of shutting down a certain memory in my brain. Removing certain feelings from my heart. And I wish, how I wish, empty the deleted folders and also the recover deleted items folder so I will not be able to summon any of that anymore.

Meanwhile, if you could just hold my hand and help me get through this, it will really be appreciated.