After 7 months living in second hand edition given by my client, an edition of this came to my table today. Yay!!! I finally managed the cut! I am recognized to get this free magazine! I am sooooo happy!

What a nice way to end a quite depressing week. It’s been a depressing week because:

1. The plant is shut down for monthly maintenance, causing some chain reaction in the lab
2. The ship lost its anchor, sail and compass in the same time. The soul of the ship has gone.
3. There’s possibility of change of wind which apparently based on false weather report
4. One of the most talented seaman has fallen, following the fall of another one couple of weeks earlier

So, in other condition, knowing that I made the cut of the magz would mean nothing. But in this gloomy week, it came in like a fresh breeze of wind in the morning. Now you can imagine how depressing this week is!

Have a nice weekend everybody.

Does anybody know whether there are any research why certain emotion cause certain physical reaction in different body parts? For example:

1. Nervousness would make your stomach churned
2. A degree of surprise would make your knee rubbery or hands cold
3. A panic attack would stop your breath for a while
4. A sadness would make something inside your left chest painfull and bring tears to your eyes
5. Helplessnes and despair could make you tongue tied
6. Embarrasment/anger would make blood flow faster to your face
7. Arousal would make blood flow faster to….(self censored)

I understand that feelings are triggered by comprehension and memory of a situation. These two intangible things conjured by our brain must have created sensation being sent by nerves to certain particular body parts and caused certain kind of different physical reaction. And a constant physical reaction must be the one who triggered a physical illness or (in another case) create physical change towards somebody. For example:

1. Constant unmanageable stress could cause high blood pressure or even stroke
2. (In another case) manageable stress could cause more productivity
3. Some say that happiness and being positive will make you look younger
4. On the other hand, sadness can make you look prematurely older

Anybody aware of any publicized research on this matter? I would like to know the clinical reason of terms (say) heart broken. I want to comprehend by the feeling of loosing somebody who we love can create pain so deeply to something inside your left chest. Let say to your heart. I want to understand the logical reason why suddenly your heart could feel as if somebody squeezed it so hard and it even cause tears to your eyes. Why suddenly you could feel that there’s long cold knife piercing through it, twisting in it, creating the feeling of hurt and inflicting pain beyond recognition. It could be so painful and unbearable it could make a person feel so despair and helpless to an extreme point where one could decide to take their own life (or even the life of their children). Why? Anybody can help me?

Disclaimer: There must be a more appropriate psychological jargons but being a psychologist wanna be, I will go with what I have.

If I thought that I had gotten over my ‘divorce‘ completely, I was wrong.

People said that first love never dies. I never realise how true it is until recently. My ‘ex-husband’-in a way- has been doing pretty good recently. And I can’t help to feel a flip of joy whenever I heard something good about him or happening to him. I can’t help not to feel a sense of pride when he achieved something. On the other hand, my stomach churned when I heard something bad is happening to him. Or I knew something bad is going to happen, but being an ‘ex-wife’, there’s nothing I can do about it anymore. He is not my problem anymore.

Our so called ‘relationship’ had been going hot and cold recently with a lot of mixed feelings. Thinking things I should have not been thinking anymore. Caring things I should have not been cared anymore and feeling things that I should have not been feeling anymore. It drove me nuts. People also said that too much love will kill you, if you can’t make up your mind. Torn between the lovers and the love you left behind. They are right, you know.

I know and realise that I am very much in love with my ‘new husband’. He gives me everything I want. Everything I need. And I am truly happy in my new marriage. But there’s a sense of familiarity that I missed so much. I missed it so much my heart is aching with pain of wanting to see my ‘ex-husband’. I know that this feeling will poison me. Will stop me from moving on and continue my life. But currently I just don’t know on how to stop it. Shall I erase everything? And I mean, everything? I don’t think I can do it either. But to think, to care and to feel…it’s unbearable. I wish I have the capability of shutting down a certain memory in my brain. Removing certain feelings from my heart. And I wish, how I wish, empty the deleted folders and also the recover deleted items folder so I will not be able to summon any of that anymore.

Meanwhile, if you could just hold my hand and help me get through this, it will really be appreciated.

The God of Hollywood must have been visiting our family lately for I watched 3 movies in a week!

After hubby and Mika went to watch Speed Racer last Sunday, it was my turn to take Mika to see Narnia - Prince Caspian at XXI PIM 2 on Tuesday. Well, actually I was the one who want to watch Narnia for CS Lewis’s Narnia Chronicles has always been my favorite books regardless of the one particular religion propaganda emanated from each and every books. Mika just happened to have watched and liked the first Narnia movie so he tagged a long…hehehe…

We arrived an hour before the counter was open. Mika was restless and always want to queue up right away.  Being a paranoid to the bones, I asked him to wait at the Cafe near the door and he pouted for an hour. And  a minute before my ears grew tired of his whining and I was ready to snap, the door was opened! Thank God! We raced to the counter and another series of whining continued until we had the ticket. And afterwards, he refused to have lunch, whining to enter the Cinema. Alamak! This will be a 2.5 hours movie! I managed to make my self deaf to his constant whining. Anyway, the movie was really good and entertaining. We had a good laugh to see the talking badger and bears. And all the myth creatures…the centaurs, minotaurs, faun and else…they all are creatures of my childhood. It was good to see them alive. We had very late lunch after that at ChopStix where Mika talking endlessly and excitedly about the movie. Its worth every minute of whining session.

And the day after, hubby took me to watch Forbidden Kingdom at PIM 1. Although it was entertaining but it was not as good as I had imagine. Having Jet Lee and Jackie Chan in one movie really did not help the poor and cliche scenario. Had it been less romance and more into the Sun Go Kong legend, I am sure the movie will really bring the two big star’s talent. And why one earth should there be a Caucasian hero? I would never understand. He is so out of place. The only good thing about the movie is only the fighting episodes. Other than that it sucks.

And again on Friday, hubby took me to watch Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystall Skull. I love every minute of it! I thought at first the movie will be a bit over fetch as Harrison Ford supposed to be very old eh senior! But no, Steven Spielberg took advantage the age factor and created altogether a very catching movie. It was our kind of movie and I don’t want to spill the beans too much here. For those who have not watch, I strongly recommend you to watch it. You will never regret it.

And now, if you excuse me…I have house cleaning on progress here.

In my life, with the exception of my family, I do not have many people that I hold dear in my heart. Only very few. And among the few, those who I’d be willing to risk my self for them will even fewer.

So when I found out that one of them had suddenly vanished from my radar, I got panic. I have never been an intuitive person. But usually when I really care and put my heart and soul to a person, I could sense if something wrong is happening to them. And I have been feeling uneasy since I returned from Offshore.

At first, I asked a very dear friend of mine to look for him. No avail. My friend was too busy. Or didn’t really bother. Or simply thought that I was being overly reacted. But I knew, I knew for sure something wrong was going on. My guts feeling told me it’s true. What has been happening was out of that Missing Person’s habit. He would always let me know where he was, what he did and how was he doing. He would never not replying my text message or e-mails.

So when I was in Venue last week, I casually asked another friend of mine. And she was suddenly alarmed. So that’s when the real search begun. Apparently there were also others who cared about the Missing Person, and they suddenly bend their backs and widen their ears to search for him. One of the person got deployed to visit his apartment. Thank God he found that his family was okay but the wife refused to reveal anything. Another one got deployed to visit his house. No sign of his appearance.

Finally we managed to get a phone number of his brother. My friends who called him was turn down a bit rudely. This has enhanced the suspicion that the Missing Person is under duress. So I called him. The brother surprisingly was very kind and gentle to me. Fortunately the Missing Person told him about me. He seemed also know many things going on in the Missing Person’s professional life. I could sense that he was upset about something. And the fact that I am an outsider now helped him to reveal few things that confirmed my suspicion. So I asked him kindly to let the Missing Person know that I have been worrying about him and to contact me at his convenience. I would never care as to why. I just want to hear his voice and be sure that he is healthy. I was sure that he will resurface and contact me when he decided that he is ready.

So when the Missing Person finally called me on Wednesday, I was so relieved. He did not say much but promise to tell me everything when we met. So we met last night and he told me everything. My conclusion was correct 90% but there was some details he shared that made me glad that I did not push my way to find him. I was glad that my friends did not do certain things that could have jeopardized his plan even more. So I told him that he should have told me. Now that we have to smoke him out, our smoke has attract attention from other people. And now, he has many more looking for him. And he was laughing and completely amused by the attention. How can he not? His action has touched many people’s life. And his humility has taught them something.

So at the end, it was really good to sit with him, found him that he was okay and found out that many people also cared about him. We had coffee and light dinner. And not long after that, one the SAR team arrived so I just sit and smiling hearing them talked. Pouring their hear out. And when they started talking about golf, I started to feel sleepy. It has been a long day and long week. I need to go home.

Strange as it may sound, I do not have any romantic feelings toward him. Purely platonic. In the past, he had helped my husband when he was in problem and more than once, he had come to my rescue when I need somebody most. Moreover, he had shaped me to what I have become. I am grateful that our path has crossed, and moreover, I am grateful that he is alive, kicking and have stricken back. Good luck, dear sir, I wish you all the best.

It had been a while since we had family get away together. Hubby and had been planning some trips but our schedule was seldom match. It’s either I was away, or hubby had exhibition, or we had family occasion that we could not skip or Mika had school examination. We had been planning to go somewhere for at least 3 days and 2 nights but it seemed impossible.

So it was relieving when we finally could nail Friday, 9 to Sunday, 11 May to go to Rumah Jambuluwuk. We also invited my Mom, brothers and his fiancee to join us. Fortunately I could take a day off on Friday, 9 May so in the morning I went with Mom, Pascal, Riv (my brother) and our 3 (yes, three!) assistants to Rumah Jambuluwuk. We packed as if we are going to camp for a week. All medicines, food…basically all basic necessities to run a holiday camp for a month was packed away. Thanks to my Mom and her managerial skills. She even prepared for 3 days menu for all of us…hehehe…

Unfortunately, I was not too well for I had been having flu ever since I returned from Offshore on 3 May. I never got well from lack of sleep and rest and have been coughing and fevering up and down. So first day, I spent most of the day staying in bed. Pascal was not too well either but he was so used to it, it did not affect him at all. He was his usual boisterous cheeky self. Running around with his apple cheeks and his laughter was contagious. My eye lids grew heavy from the medicines so I took a nap.

Hubby and Mika came in the afternoon. Mika was really happy and soon both boys started climbing the cottage up and down followed by few fighting and yelling episodes on this session, and later on went swimming with hubby. Riza and Hani arrived in the evening. I believe they had late night chat and even shoot some pools. The kids were playing with fireworks too but I was so down with flu I barely could keep up. Pascal got worse at night and threw up endlessly. Fortunately he slept with me, Mom and Hani so Mom and Hani able to helped him. I was hopeless.

On the next day, we went to Safari Park. Pascal was really excited to see elephants, zebras, giraffes and other animals. He kept on saying, “Wow…their butts are huuuuuuge!!” Hahaha…Mika was his usual worried self. He did not let me feed the animals, afraid to be bitten. After we went through the animals kingdom, we played for a while in the amusement park. Mika was a big boy now, he could drive the bom-bom car him self. Pascal rode with hubby and he clutched him so tightly and looked so stress…hehehe… It was so hot and I started to fevering up again. So when we returned in the afternoon, I took all the medicines at sight and slept early again.

I woke up and feeling so much better on the next day and took the kids swimming with Riza. It was good and refreshing to swim in clear air under the blue sky and see the green pine trees from afar. I felt refreshed so I taught Pascal how to swim and dive. This kid is a natural swimmer, I am so proud of him. And after lunch, we rode back to Jakarta. Ready to go back to our daily routine and 2 degrees darker than when we first came.

Until next time…

I met my old friends last night at Venue in Kemang. One of my old (in term of years and age) friend was celebrating his…I think, 48 - 49ish birthday (?? Sorry Capt, if I was wrong. Tee hee) and due to constant nagging for a treat which he patiently bore, he invited me along with a bunch of old friends plus some of his other friends.

It started as a pool side party. The athmosphere was nice but the places was quite dark or does it suppose to be a romantic spot? Anyway, I knew that I would get couple of new bruises afterwards for I kept on bumping my self here and there. Wine (or shall I say…grape juice?) was passed around which I skipped. Never really like the taste. I settled with warm orange juice instead. Yeah, pretty lame. I knew. But I still am having a runny nose.

My old girl friends started to come later and they really warmed up the athmosphere. Due to humidity and being an Air-Conditioned breed, I started to get drench by sweat. So I asked to move indoor. It seemed to be even darker inside, I could not even see whether I cut my dinner properly! So a friend of mine asked the light to be switch on…hahaha…we really are such a party goers!! But when the light was on, it was so much better! Oh well, maybe we never meant to be the creature of the night. Far too old.

It’s always felt good to meet familiar faces and reconnecting years of relationship. I never realise that I do miss them a lot until I met them again.  We chatted, laughed and teased each other endlessly. Glasses are clinged and food were endlessly served. I knew that I would be in trouble after this, but it’s worth the old time.

I think I should meet them more often. As long as I don’t get them in trouble.

Unfortunately I had to do another compressed post.

17 - 18 April I went to Batam to visit the North Belut Operations people who are still in project stage. The office is located in NS and once we got there, we were set for presentation. It was an active audience. I loved it. The supes had also been very helpful and the employee in particular are so jazzed up it created a nice positive athmosphere.

We spent most of the day on meeting and presentation, so we did not have the time to walk around the platform and went straight to the hotel. In the evening, I was picked up for dinner and later on karaoke. Due to some circumstances that I was not aware of, the karaoke time is ended so abruptly by the Off Duty OIM. I was a little bit annoyed but then again, I was a visitor in their domain. I have no choice but to follow. Hhhh..I got my self STOP Card. Darn. Me. All of people. Not good.

The next day, we went to see the Central Production Platform in McDermott. It was huge and awesome!! I could feel the excitement built in me and in another situation, I could have broadcast pheromone. We spent around an hour climbing up and down the CPP. I admired the size for the last one I saw was only half of it. It was truly amazing. I can’t wait to see it again when it is already in the middle of the ocean.

And then we went back to NS and see the Well Head Platform. Again, it’s huge! The Supes that brought us around was superb. He was my singing buddy who also got STOP Card. So we had a good laugh over it. Little did we know that few moment after that, I got another STOP Card. For not tucking my hair in and use chin strap. Argh!!

We flew back to Jakarta in the afternoon with tons of homework to be done.

And on 28 April - 3 May, I was away again for another Offshore Trip. Below is the summary (I personally nicknamed every field):

Monday, 28 April in Futuristic Hang Tuah

02:00 - 03:00 Wake up, take a shower and go to Halim.

03:00 - 04:00 Met my crew as well as some VIPs who are we going to tail with.

04:00 - 06:20 Flying to Matak in Fokker. Discuss a lot of things with the Consultant who accompanied us for a future training program, mostly about people development.

06:45 - 07:30 Choppering to Hang Tuah - it was a beautiful day. The sea looked to blue, green and crystal clear.

07:30 - 09:30 Settling down nicely. I got my previous room in Hang Tuah and work with my lap top.

09:30 - 11:00 Attend VIP’s very entertaining safety presentation. Truly inspiring and I could see people sparks.

13:30 - 16:00 Meeting with OIM and Superintendents - it was ok.

17:00 - 18:00 New Hire Presentation, one on one with a new employee

19:00 - 21:00 Presentation Talent Management - it was ok.

Tuesday, 29 April in FSO Intan and Cheerful Belida

06:00 - 07:00 One of the funniest and alive morning briefing I ever attended. Everybody is jazzed up - good OIM.

08:00 - 11:00 Further discussion with the Consultant about the program, and later on the OIM joined. We are going to FSO Intan and Cheerful Belida by boat.

13:00 - 14:00 Left FHT danggling in frog for the first time. I had a light panic attack where my stomach churned, my palms are sweaty and I felt dizzy.

When the CO lifted the frog, I felt really scared at first. Especially after the CO dropped us and lifted us again, I started to hyperventilating and felt like about to fall off. But finally I got a grip and when he frog descended to Pan Marine, I felt stupidly like an angel descending from the sky. Silly me.

14:00 - 15:00 Sailing with Pan Marine to FSO Intan. 10 minutes after sailing, there was alarm and announcement that the kitchen was on fire. I thought, “Oh shitt! You gotta be kidding me! Not me! My crew is having period! She will be the ‘teh celup’ and the shark will be circling sooner rather than later.” But from the mischievious look in the crew’s eyes, I could tell that they are pulling our legs. And the Captain admitted that it was made based on FHT’s request. Very cute guys! Grrr….

15:00 - 17:00 We arrived in FSO Intan. Being lifted by Frog again, I was officially felt like an angel and started to like this mode. We were being taken around by 3 Captains. And we were served by mie korea. The Captain on duty was wonderful. He kept on feeding us, I felt like I was going to explode. We sailed again to Belida.

18:00 - 19:00 Meeting with OIM and Superintendents - it was so-so. I hope they will support us in public.

19:00 - 21:00 Presentation Talent Management - I think it was ok. I still felt like flying blind sometimes. So many leading questions which I wasn’t sure where will it end or how will it used. But that’s ok, all my answers are within boundaries of policies and I have nothing to be afraid of.

Wednesday, 30 April in Beautiful Belanak

07:00 - 07:30 Look around Belida’s sauna facilities before choppering away to Belanak. It was really fancy, transparant door facing the deep blue sea. Fortunately I have never been a big fans of sauna. Too hot!

08:00 - 10:00 Ah Beautiful Belanak. My favourite field. The Jewel of Offshore Operations and the Apple of my heart. The size is intimidating and the complexity is amazing. I lust my self over its design. I practically drool all over it. Just being here had made my heart warm and I could feel adrenaline pumped through my veins.

10:00 - 12:00 Meeting with OIM to arrange itinerary to Cute Hiu Kerisi and Gas Concord. Very scheduled, task and objective oriented OIM. Fortunately we arrived after VIP visit so there’s roche and Kit Kat chocolate bars. So I “stole” some for the gift during presentation….hehehe…it raised the OIM’s eye brown. Dateng bukannya bawa oleh-oleh, malah malak…hihihihi…I tried the public paging system and the whole Belanak awaken with female voice. There’s suddenly another voice, “One more time pleaseeee….” so the Superintendents took over, “That’s it, guys! Back to work!”

14:30 - 15:30 New Hire Presentation, 4 people so far.

15:30 - 17:00 Meeting with OIM, Superintendents and indirect report. It was a good discussion. They poured their issues out first so during Town Hall, they will stand by my side. I had several notes that will need to be followed up or clarified. I trust 85% of BB field leaders are smart, mature and intelligent professional. I felt really comfortable. Much more comfortable.

19:00 - 21:00 Presentation Talent Management - it was good. OIM with strong leadership had always made a good partner.

21:00 - 23:30 Karaoke and dancing.

23:30 - 24:30 Further discussion with the Consultant about her observation so far. Some are valid, some are for further analysis. Notes are made and compared.

Thursday, 1 May in Cute Hiu Kerisi

07:00 - 07:10 Choppering away to CHK. The POB was full and it was crew change time. There were eyes on us and I started to feel uncomfortable. Could you please stop gawking at us, we are not animal. Fortunately the OIM came so they started to lost their interest. Our safety boots are taken away and they gave us cute crocs shoes! I love the initiative!

09:00 - 11:00 Meeting with the OIM only. No Superintendents. The OIM is wonderful. He leads with his heart and his heart is in the right place. An honest man. I can tell right away if he disagreed but too kind to tell me. Could see his eyes twinkling when I started being painfully theoritical or straight forward so I could clarify.

11:00 - 12:30 Walk around CHK. It was really wonderful. The OIM took us to the lower deck where we can see big fishes (sharks?) swam under us. He said we could give them apple and the fished would jump all over. Too bad none of us brought any food. The sun was so hot on my face, but it’s worth every second of it.

13:30 - 15:30 Presentation Talent Management - it was really good. The partnership has come naturally since the very beginning. This one leads by his personality, not by his power. I sensed that his people genuinely like him. They adored him and not “afraid” of him. It was not my show, it was our show. That’s the best support I got so far. Genuine partnership between HRBP and OIM.

16:00 Choppering back to Beautiful Belanak.

16:30 - 20:00 Washed and conditioned my hair. Dried and ironed. Put some pearl on it. Dinner. The OIM invited us for fish barbeque but I was so tired and started to get fever. 1 prednisone is consumed.

Friday, 2 May in Gas Concord

07:00 - 08:00 Very funny and entertaining morning briefing. Two of my crew has left. Leaving me with the last standing crew.

08:00 - 08:30 Frogging and boating away to Gas Concord or FSO Belanak. My last standing crew was MIA. Great!

08:30 - 14:00 I finally got to see the famous calm buoy and hose. I felt very hot. Fevering up. Doubled the prednisones intake. Cool my self off at the cabin.

18:00 - 19:00 Last Talent Management Presentation in the Control Room.

20:00 - 22:00 Pack away, write my travel note, started to feel moody and sad. My trip will be over soon. But I will meet my kids.

Additional note:

1. Whoever pairing the OIMs had done a great job for they are blossomed under the right role with the right partner.

2. Partnering position is more like marriage. Opposite attract worked best.

3. Pig’s names in CHK is using female artist names (Julia Perez, BCL etc).

4. OIMs are amazing creatures. I can’t tell much more than that *make more notes*

5. How to make my gender less disruptive?

In summary, I had a lovely time. These are good people who delivers and make the Company profits. The Field Leaders are matured and accountable, although some of them are still young (couple of years older than me) but they are very smart. The athmosphere is positive and they stood by my side. None of us were treated poorly or attacked. I am really happy and contented. I think my strategy works and I hit my sweet spot.My boss also very happy with the result. He sent me a thank you note (attached). I am a happy woman. How’s that sound?