After 7 months living in second hand edition given by my client, an edition of this came to my table today. Yay!!! I finally managed the cut! I am recognized to get this free magazine! I am sooooo happy!

What a nice way to end a quite depressing week. It’s been a depressing week because:

1. The plant is shut down for monthly maintenance, causing some chain reaction in the lab
2. The ship lost its anchor, sail and compass in the same time. The soul of the ship has gone.
3. There’s possibility of change of wind which apparently based on false weather report
4. One of the most talented seaman has fallen, following the fall of another one couple of weeks earlier

So, in other condition, knowing that I made the cut of the magz would mean nothing. But in this gloomy week, it came in like a fresh breeze of wind in the morning. Now you can imagine how depressing this week is!

Have a nice weekend everybody.

Does anybody know whether there are any research why certain emotion cause certain physical reaction in different body parts? For example:

1. Nervousness would make your stomach churned
2. A degree of surprise would make your knee rubbery or hands cold
3. A panic attack would stop your breath for a while
4. A sadness would make something inside your left chest painfull and bring tears to your eyes
5. Helplessnes and despair could make you tongue tied
6. Embarrasment/anger would make blood flow faster to your face
7. Arousal would make blood flow faster to….(self censored)

I understand that feelings are triggered by comprehension and memory of a situation. These two intangible things conjured by our brain must have created sensation being sent by nerves to certain particular body parts and caused certain kind of different physical reaction. And a constant physical reaction must be the one who triggered a physical illness or (in another case) create physical change towards somebody. For example:

1. Constant unmanageable stress could cause high blood pressure or even stroke
2. (In another case) manageable stress could cause more productivity
3. Some say that happiness and being positive will make you look younger
4. On the other hand, sadness can make you look prematurely older

Anybody aware of any publicized research on this matter? I would like to know the clinical reason of terms (say) heart broken. I want to comprehend by the feeling of loosing somebody who we love can create pain so deeply to something inside your left chest. Let say to your heart. I want to understand the logical reason why suddenly your heart could feel as if somebody squeezed it so hard and it even cause tears to your eyes. Why suddenly you could feel that there’s long cold knife piercing through it, twisting in it, creating the feeling of hurt and inflicting pain beyond recognition. It could be so painful and unbearable it could make a person feel so despair and helpless to an extreme point where one could decide to take their own life (or even the life of their children). Why? Anybody can help me?

Disclaimer: There must be a more appropriate psychological jargons but being a psychologist wanna be, I will go with what I have.

If I thought that I had gotten over my ‘divorce‘ completely, I was wrong.

People said that first love never dies. I never realise how true it is until recently. My ‘ex-husband’-in a way- has been doing pretty good recently. And I can’t help to feel a flip of joy whenever I heard something good about him or happening to him. I can’t help not to feel a sense of pride when he achieved something. On the other hand, my stomach churned when I heard something bad is happening to him. Or I knew something bad is going to happen, but being an ‘ex-wife’, there’s nothing I can do about it anymore. He is not my problem anymore.

Our so called ‘relationship’ had been going hot and cold recently with a lot of mixed feelings. Thinking things I should have not been thinking anymore. Caring things I should have not been cared anymore and feeling things that I should have not been feeling anymore. It drove me nuts. People also said that too much love will kill you, if you can’t make up your mind. Torn between the lovers and the love you left behind. They are right, you know.

I know and realise that I am very much in love with my ‘new husband’. He gives me everything I want. Everything I need. And I am truly happy in my new marriage. But there’s a sense of familiarity that I missed so much. I missed it so much my heart is aching with pain of wanting to see my ‘ex-husband’. I know that this feeling will poison me. Will stop me from moving on and continue my life. But currently I just don’t know on how to stop it. Shall I erase everything? And I mean, everything? I don’t think I can do it either. But to think, to care and to feel…it’s unbearable. I wish I have the capability of shutting down a certain memory in my brain. Removing certain feelings from my heart. And I wish, how I wish, empty the deleted folders and also the recover deleted items folder so I will not be able to summon any of that anymore.

Meanwhile, if you could just hold my hand and help me get through this, it will really be appreciated.