Before I continue with my usual mundane rambling, let me remind my self the objective to keep on writing in Cubic Room. It is for Mika & Pascal to read and know how their parent’s life in the past. Therefore, let me make it clear in advance that I love you, boys. I love you more than everything else in the world. I will die and bleed for you if I have to. There I said it. Now I can continue.

Due to my ‘divorce’, I decided to shorten my Idul Fitri holiday from 3 weeks to 1 week only. There are so many things that need to be finished or handed over to my sisters. Anyway, being home for a week and be constant mediator for Mika (6 years and 4 months) and Pascal (2 years and 6 months) had really challenged my negotiation skill, patient and ability to make decision.

Mika is cheeky, (a lot) bigger than Pascal and yet has short temper. Pascal is small, very valiant and also has (very) short temper. What a perfect combination. The conversation usually goes like this:

I, Mika & Pascal sit peacefully in front of TV watching Toys Story for the 100th times eating Idul Fitri cookies:

Mika: I want to sit up front (he refers to sitting arrangement in the car).

Pascal: I want to sit up front.

Me (in confusion): But guys, we are not going anywhere. So nobody sit anywhere.

Mika: If we do go somewhere, I want to sit up front.

Pascal: NO. I WANT TO SIT UP FRONT.

Mika: YOU ALWAYS SIT UP FRONT WITH MOM!! I NEVER SIT UP FRONT SO I WANT TO SIT UP FRONT!!

Pascal would then scratch Mika and Mika would try to kick Pascal and the nanny and I got stuck in the middle trying to be barriers for both parties.

Or:

Pascal is holding a Buzz Lightyear. Mika tried to grab it. Pascal holding it back and pinch Mika really hard. Mika cried and tried to hit Pascal. Sometimes when it succeed, Pascal would cry and will try to punch Mika back. It would end up both crying and Pascal would throw up.

*Great*

OK, so the result of a week being referee in ‘domestic violence’ are:

1. One of Mika’s tae kwon do kick hit my nose and it hurt like hell! (I lost my temper on this episode and slap his back *groan*)

2. Two of my fingers swell when I tried to deflect another kick from Mika aimed to Pascal. (I did not do anything on this one as it was too painful even to speak).

3. Sore throat for keep on yelling. The usual sentence are: don’t speak that way! stop saying those kind of things! stop yelling! don’t hit, ok? Calm down! Calm down! CALM DOWN!!

This squabble usually ended with hubby coming to my rescue and calming me down. Fortunately we do have refrigerator and ice cubes.

My life seemed to spin faster than usual. So many things to be finished, so many loose ends need to be tied up (will help if others don’t keep unraveling it) and so many plan need to be made and bring into reality. I am running out of time and listen to this endlessly. I don’t feel like going. Am I having cold feet? Nah, I simply hate leaving things unfinished or finished imperfectly (is there such a word?).

“She Has No Time”

by Keane

She says she has no time
For you now
She says she has no time
For you now
She says she has no time

Breath, Shine, breathe…there you go…

Minal Aidin Wal Faidzin. Mohon Maaf Lahir & Bathin.

That’s the standard line people say during Idul Fitri. Easy to say but maybe not so easy to do. Be honest, can you really forgive somebody who had really hurted you or make your life miserable? Can you really forgive and forget to enable your self to move on lightly with your life? I understand that it is important to have the ability to forgive, otherwise the grudge you carry will eat you from inside. But can you honestly really do that to everyone? I don’t think so, not me. At least. I am still human and nomatter how hard I try to take things lightly there is still a tiny eenie weenie part in me that made me unable to forget & forgive very few people. I may not be angry to them anymore, but I can’t accept them as part of my life anymore. I want to relinquish them. I want to get rid of them from my life. Period. And I had the chance to do that as I am getting ‘divorce’. Yippie! (note added 2 days later: sorry for several people who nearly had a heart attack when reading this post as I forgot to put apostrophes. They think I have a divorce with my first husband Sorry, guys… )

So, totally in the opposite of the Idul Fitri spirit, I deliberately not to tell several people that I am closing down my current mobile phone number and have a new number. As I went through my address book to send the Idul Fitri greetings + new phone number notification, I happily skipped several people which I hope that I will never hear anything from them again. Ever. I am bad. I know. Happy belated Idul Fitri everybody!