Today is our 8th wedding anniversary.

Due to last year experience, I prepared my self better this time. Two days before the D-day I made time to browse around the mall to find the suitable gift but I still could not find anything I like or anything that I know hubby would like. Finally a day before the D-day I went to Vinoti and bought this. And oh, I am taking leave. I am not sure whether hubby likes it or not as he seemed to see me as a sweet distraction if I am home (ehm!). A nuisance that distract him from his time consuming work especially when I am dominating his PC like right now. To help him overcome his weaknesses, I stay away as much as possible, buried my self behind newspaper, blackberry and lap top. I want to celebrate the day I made the most important vow in my life.

8 years a go, in about the same time, I was dressed in white kebaya and brown sidomukti batik saroong. I had a beautiful white veil embroidered with white flowers covering my hair. My jet black hair was pulled up in a sort of french twist. I sat in a mosque with my Mom and Dad waiting for my (still) fiance (at that time). Not long after we came, my fiance also came with his family and he looked very nervous. I got the feeling that he seemed to avoid looking at me. And so did I. I did not want to show my nervousness although I felt a butterfly flapping its wing wildly in my stomach. Happiness mixed with uncertainty knowing that in 30 minutes, I will have somebody so called husband and I will be a wife and we will be spend the rest of our lives together. At that time, it sounds like an alien concept to an independent girl like me

We then sat on the carpet in front of the penghulu. One of my relative and the penghulu made a lengthy speech and slowly but surely I begun to loose the feel that I had pair of legs tucked beneath me. When I looked at it, they both were blue because the blood was clogged! So I strained my legs in front of me. Very un-lady like but I did not care. I want to still have those legs when the ceremony end. I looked around and I saw a couple of expatriates from the office sat at the back of my family. One of the expatriates’ wife winked at me and I felt heartened by their arrival.

My Dad then made the ‘hand over’ to my fiance and my fiance accepted me. I kissed my husband (already at that time)’s hand and that’s it. We took some picture and went down to change our clothes to Padangese traditional wedding gown which were of golden color and very merry. The stylish sticked so many things in my hair, at the end of the process I felt like carrying a 2 years old child on my head. It was meant to show the responsibility the bride must carry as a wife. Yikes!

After that I funnily felt a bit relax and could enjoy the atmosphere better. We had a great party with great food, and I wish that the day would never end. But of course like any other day, it was end. We went home in a borrowed car holding hand at the back. Could not really believe that even after the broke up, we finally have gotten married. Little did I know that despite all the pre-wedding stress, there will be more stress ahead of us. A kind of stress that we must go through together as a couple. Removing the differences and use other’s weaknesses as another one’s strength. And I think we are doing good so far. Of course we had our ups and down and there were time where we yelled at each other and he was not the most popular man at home, but nevertheless he is my better half and I am not the easiest person to live with either.

Dear hubby, thank you for your kind support as always. Thank you for letting me do whatever I want and have endless trust that I will be able to achieve whatever I want in this life. Thank you for giving me Mika & Pascal. I hope we both could grow old together and see them going through the day we went through 8 years a go. Love, J.

As I grow older and (hopefully) wiser, my tongue had been bitten more often than when I was younger. Because you see, as a spring chicken, I had a habit of being spontaneous. Blurting things out and didn’t really care about the impact. I thought it meant courage and honesty. Little did I know that it can be seen as being reckless and inconsiderate as well. Boy, I was in trouble many times because of that.

Slowly and surely I learned to think before I said anything. Before I put a response to a situation now I always think on how I would want this to end. It made my life slightly easier but not necessarily trouble free because there is another ‘tongue’ that is harder to bite. It called feeling.

I have never really been a full of feeling or emotional person. As I wrote many times before, I strongly believe that feelings should be dictated by common sense. You should be able to control how you feel towards something. Don’t get angry unless it is necessary. Don’t be sad by something that you have no control of. Never regret anything unless you have plan on not how to fall into the same hole. Have a rational feeling, but do not rationalize it. Or your life will be very tiring. To feel without thinking is equal to exhaustion.

These all are sound very ideal. But as what normally happen in the real life, writing is easier than experiencing. Many times I had to struggle not to let my anger cloud my judgments. On the other hand, I also had to struggle not to let my fondness influence my decision.

This does not seem to happen with me and my children sometimes.

Having a double income, it has always been very easy for us to spoil them rotten. It has always been easy to fulfill whatever they want. For the time being anyway. We are not rich but we have enough. But every living parent would know how devastating it can be. A simple ‘No’ now and then will do them good. And this always happened to me when hubby is not around. Perhaps the fact that I seldom around also contributes to the situation.

First accident happened several months a go where Mika wanted me to buy him a very expensive power rangers giant robot. I have told him that he can buy one small toy. But he insisted a big one that would really ruin the definition of ‘small’. He screamed on the top of his lungs calling me cheap and attracting attention from other customers. I was really embarrassed and furious with his behavior. Right before I snapped, a young father came and touched Mika’s forehead and smile at me. He told me that Mika is exactly like his son. That somehow had cooled me off. Mika was just a child. He is not yet a spoiled brat. Not too late anyway. I thanked him and calmly (as calm as I could) removed Mika from the crime scene. We had a long talk on our way home on how bad he was behaving.

End of story? No.

Last month I picked Mika from school all by my self and took him to a mall. Again, we have agreed to buy small toy when suddenly he changed his mind and wanted to buy a monstrous giant hot wheels track. I firmly said ‘No’ and started to walk away. He started screaming on our way to another mall and I started to feel anger boiling inside me. I finally sat him and let him cried his eye balls out. I told him that we will remain in our place until he stops crying. I can tell that he really did try this time. He complained that whenever he goes with me, I always bought him cheap toys. Unlike daddy. I felt another anger building inside me. This time it is directed to hubby for spoiling him with boys’ toys simply because he likes it too (aren’t you, hubby?). I managed to bite my tongue and made mental note to speak to hubby about it. I told him that he has enough hot wheels track and lets buy something different this time. We end up buying small walking dinosaur that cost me 10% of that hot wheels track.

The third test happened when we had agreed not to buy anything because we just bought something the day before. Mika sweetly asked me whether he could see, that’s right, only see some of his favorite toys. I hesitantly agreed. But Mika kept his promise this time. He browsed around the Kid’s Station, pick and put many of his favorite toys whilst making comments on how good they look and citing each of their names correctly. I had my wallet full of money and I suddenly swarmed by guilt that I was being hard on him. He was only a child anyway. His childhood only comes once. I found it surprising that this time things seemed to be more difficult for me rather than him. I literally had to bite my tongue not to offer him to take it. I felt guilty seeing him running from alley to alley picking and putting back the toys knowing that I could have bought it. Before this feeling started to control me, I decided to call it off and asked him to move on which he easily agreed. Phiew.

I guess the biggest challenge is not to buy when you know you can. Not to give in to the feeling you have when you know that it won’t do anyone good. I want my kids to value the money and understand that they have to earn it. I believe the younger they are, the easier it will be. Cross your finger!!

Tooth fairy has started visiting Mika. The first one happened almost a month a go. And the second one happen several days a go. I am very excited. My boy is developing his adult teeth!Mika is also getting more independent. He asked us to let him going home from school all by him self. All this time, we have his nanny pick him up and take him home with school bus. And now he asked his nanny to stay home and let him gone home with school bus by him self. My little boy is growing up!

On the other hand, Pascal seemed to develop a habit of being the clown in the family. He is very cheeky and easy to laugh. From time to time he fought with Mika but in general, he seemed to have a good sense of humor. He seemed to be more extrovert than his big brother. When he sees us, he would open his arms and asked to be hugged. My little baby. He seemed to grow too fast!

I know that I have said that I will not have another child. But seeing them growing beautifully had made me realize that this moment will soon pass. I am sure that there will be another excitement waiting ahead of us, but cuddling a baby in your arm is very different than holding a big kid. I am going to miss the smell and the cherub face.

Another one?