I will be a facilitator in a Human Resources Workshop this weekend and I am having a butterfly on my stomach. I kept on thinking, why on earth did I ever agree to be a facilitator in front of more than a dozen of HR professionals.

For those of you who used to speak in public this seemed to be trivial. But not me. The thought of having them sitting line up facing me has already made my stomach churned. What if I failed to explain? What if I failed to answer their questions? Even worse, what if I fainted? Will they pick me up or leave me there and put marked ‘useless facilitator’ over my dead body? Now I am being over reacted.

The truth is, I always fear question. I know that I can always answer, “That’s a very good question Mr. X! Let me get back to you when I have the answer! Or, does anybody else know the answer?” But if I used that line for more than 5 times, I believe the participants would start looking at me critically and found out what a complete idiot I am.

Fortunately, I have been trained by Mika recently to answer some difficults questions. Below are some of the examples:

Mika: Mom, what should I do to get a second little brother/sister?

Me: You have to be nice to Pascal, do not yell to Pascal, do not trip his legs etc

Mika: Would that grant me a little brother/sister?

Me: Maybe

What do you think? Was it a good answer? Maybe not…

Second example:

Mika: Mom, what is God look like? Is God a man or woman?

Me: We can not see God and God is God. God is neither man nor woman.

Mika started crying: I don’t want to run around, if I can not see God, what if I ran into God?

Me: That’s ok, you will not hit God. You will run through God because he is transparant.

Mika: What is transparant?

Me: Like a wind. You can run through the wind, can’t you?

Mika: Errr…you mean God is like a wind. You must be lying!

The conversation ended here for I could not explain further how is God look like. I kept on thinking about visualized God as light, but I don’t want him to mistaken God with lamp. So for the time being I left it as it is and preparing my self for this weekend workshop. Their questions will be piece of cake compared to Mika’s.

There is no student more critical than 5 years old child!

I had a hot week this week and I am not talking about the weather here.

First, being a member of a QA/QC team in a salary survey have made me realise how naive I was in submitting data. Looks like the other participants did not follow the rule 100% so why didn’t I do some tweaking as well? Well, I discussed it with my boss first, of course. The result will still be the same, in fact it will make it more accurate. My boss did not mind. So after having a late meeting on Tuesday, I spent Wednesday and Thursday doing job re-matching, re-calculating and re-submitting followed by lots of e-mails and phone calls to clarify here and there. By end of Friday I could feel hot smoke seeping out of my scalp. The result of a brain being fried after seeing too many numbers and excel spreadsheet.

Second, having such a busy boss who spent all week in another country had put me in a hot seat. Mind you, I was not even the one who got Delegation of Authority but still I could not just push any managers that were coming on my way, could I? Oh how I wish I could…

It started with a heated discussion with one of the senior manager who just found out that one of his fellow senior manager may get an exception. Please note the word may as I was too down the line to know why somebody got something that he did not get. But did he care? No. He boiled me for 30 minutes, cornering me with question and pouring his grief over me. Which something that I can understand as I know him as a by the book player. I am too.

Unfortunately there is nothing I can do but promise him that I will make few calls to get clarification. And I indeed clarified it. However, it was obvious that he was still torn apart knowing that Company may make an exception if he asked. I explained to him that even if Company made an exception, it must have been made under a valid reason. It tore me apart too seeing him in grief as actually I really like this manager. He was one of the smartest, easy to work with and most sensible manager I ever came across in this company. Although I agreed that he has valid reason to feel angry, I still could not help feeling dissappointed that he even contemplate to be an awkward person to get what he wants just because that was what somebody else did.

I was so dissappointed and frustrated that I finally closed our discussion with voice an octave too high saying that is that the kind of person who he wanted to be? Does he really want to be an awkward person just to get what he want? And even if he got what he want, how would that make him feel? Would he feel good about him self? Oh please don’t sink your self that low! That has silenced him. So I continue that I did not like exception as well but hey, some people decided to make an exception based on circumstances and who are we to expect that they will explain to us. It is called management’s discretion. What happened to the other manager was not the first exception and will not be the last. He was quiet afterwards. I did not know nor care whether that was a good or a bad kind of quietness. All I know was I was so sick and tired being scrutinized why somebody got this and he did not and I did not regret that I was being brutally honest with him. I really am not a good liar. Sorry.

And other than that steaming episode, I got another request to find a way to terminate somebody for something that he did in the past. Not only in the past, something that he did many years a go in another company. WTF. This caused another late tele conference with my boss where we both agreed that this particular function or supervisor need to have some kick in the a**. It is somebody else’s life we are discussing here, hello?? Do you have things so called sub conscious?

In regards not to cause my brain more damage I left the office at 4 o’clock sharp on Friday to embrace weekend. I did not regret it even that would mean I may have long Monday next week. I just love being home with the kids and hubby at this kind of moment. Seeing them playing and quarrelling. Seeing their appled cheeks and innocent eyes. Hearing their daily banter and laughter They really put my mind away from work. Oh how I love weekend!

I seemed to be completely oblivious that 17th of August was Indonesia 61st birthday. Apart from the fact that we did not forget to put up the red and white flag in front of our house there was no significant different for me, really. I did not join nor go to see any games and I did not even bother to watch the ceremony on TV like I used to when I was a kid. I did feel grateful though that we have been independence and in peaceful moment. Imagine what would it feels like to be born in Lebanon or Palestine! I was even more grateful that - thanks to reformasi- for the past 8 years oil companies were no longer obliged to have formal ceremony which require us to come to the office on public holiday, wearing the tacky KORPRI uniform and stand under the sun for hours just to show that we are such a nationalist! What made me most grateful though is the fact that I had 5 days off ahead of me. No, grateful was under statement, I was estatic!

Not much to tell really of what had happened for the past 5 days. No shopping, not holidaying anywhere either. I spent most of my time at home. Cleaning up old clothes from the cupboard and try to get more picture on the walls. Among other things, I managed to finish this unputdownable book that I bought last week. It’s such a great book and truly represent the Islamic perspective about the Samawi religion (Jews, Christian and Islam), Prophet Isa (Jesus Christ) and his relation to Allah. I am not sure how it would be viewed from Catholic (or Christianity per se) perspective but it made Da Vinci code close to nothing. The argument and counter argument was mind boggling, I finished the whole 439 pages in three nights.

I also used every spare moments to play with the kids, took them swimming and bubble bathing in our plastic pool at the front yard, read more books for Mika and eat all wonderful home made cooking my Mom made us. What can I say, I was determined to give my self a treat!

However, for the past few weeks, my thought and effort had been concentrated to attend one my best friend’s wedding that was celebrated last night. Yasmine’s wedding.

Being a full time employee, mother of two (which one of them is still toddler) and have suburban house, I usually very choosy in attending wedding. If it is not a very close friend or close relatives’s wedding, we usually decided to skip it. The thought whether to bring the kids or not to travel down town, if not - will my Mom be able to watch them, if yes - how to manage it with their meal times; altogether was such a turn off and the thought to take them travelling in our small city car with our formal clothes (hubby in batik shirt and I in kebaya) usually tired me already.

I even more choosier in considering someone as my best friend. In my life, I do not have many friends that I considered as the best. I do have many friends, but that’s what usually are. Just friends. But not Yasmine.

For one thing, she was one of the sweetest person I ever met. Not only that she was one of the most selfless person I ever met, but unlike others she always by my side during my ups and downs. The funniest thing is, apart from the fact that we both are animal lovers, we almost had no similarity. That’s one thing that intrigued me. She’s sensitive, I am not. She’s full of thought and very careful (read:slow) in making decision, I am not. She doubt many things that came accross her path, I am not. She seemed to have quite low self confidence, and I am not. All this differences had always made me feel balance when I was with her. She was like my yin when I was yang.

There were times when her house was like my second home. I studied, ate, dropped by before going to party or school, bathed, swam, tried her clothes, borrowed her jewellery, used her make up, sprayed her perfume, got picked up, plucked my eye brow (her Mom did this to me), straightened my hair there. Her new friends had becoming my friends and so was mine. I witnessed her in painful relationship, happy when she finished it, saw her in other relationship, heard her doubt and contemplation and I was really happy when she finally told me that she will be getting married with Mas Totok.

I never met this man before until last night. And seeing both of them together, I could not help feeling very happy. Very happy that she finally found someone. I wished them a sakinnah and mawadah marriage as she deserved the best.

Other than that, it’s always wonderful to meet my old friends. Rani and her 37th weeks pregnancy, Ferdy, Diany and Ditya. Rinto and his mother (his wife is pregnant with his second child. The first one is 13 months old). Obeng and Mita. Rina and Yani. I saw also Kesty, Siska, Raya and Ella. The food was great and the queu was endless. Unfortunately I could not stay until the end of the party. Mika was tired of having to queue up for many minutes and sleepy already. Hubby was home having high fever. So after kissing her cheeks and wished her all the best, I went home with contented mind and stomach.

Congratulations Yasmine, may the God be with you all the time.