I read a survey result somewhere sometimes a go (pardon my vague clue, I am just not good in remembering reference), that most of organizational grievance rooted in delicate thing so called communication. It’s non technical, it’s soft skill, it’s something that can be developed and yet it does not always work.

It takes (at least) two parties to communicate (otherwise it would be monologue). Both parties’ communication skills can be developed and trained, many tools and technique can be used, and yet we still see many companies failed or at least, struggle to get it right. Why?

Well, each party usually have different objective. If we are talking about employee and management relations, clearly they are two different objectives. Whenever there’s a negotiation, the aim is always to bring these two different objectives closer. We are in the same boat anyway. Management can not run the company without the employee and employee will not get income if the company does not make profit. As simple as that in theory. In reality? In some big companies, event like the preparation of Company Policy or Working Agreement can take months. Some companies ’shipped’ their Human Resources Professionals, Management Representatives and Employee Representatives to some place else outside the office to sit and negotiate. Sequestered to be precised.

A colleague of mine told me that usually the Representatives sent by the Employee are those who can communicate properly or to be precised…diplomatically. Those who are hot headed or passive agressive type usually will not be chosen. That’s good news. It means that both parties have willingness to have a win win negotiation. Willing to listen, argue and yet keep the discussion going until it resulted into a conclusion. There is no bigger failure in a discussion other than dead lock.

What about in personal relationship?

Well, if there are only two people to communicate and if they are family who grew up together and knew each other for almost all of their life, it should be easier, right? No. I heard stories about son who does not speak to his father, mother who condemned her daughter in public, a marriage councellor who got divorce…so what caused all this?

Communication break down.

Back to my training about the Myers Type Preferences, the different character of people and the way they interact with each other usually is the one who triggered communication break down. And when I look into my self, I see the evidence everywhere.

My Mom and I are constantly in argument simply because she’s a feeler and I am a thinker. Some of my thoughts are considered cold, calculative and too rational for her. According to her judgement, I have no emotion. I see things in black and white. I do not have feelings. According to me, she is too emotional. Never in the middle. Either very happy or very upset. Pay attention too much on details or to other’s feelings. I am a strong believer that you are responsible to how you feel. She is a strong believer that you can not control how you feel towards something. It’s heart, heart and heart. Whereas to me, no, it’s brain, brain, brain. Feelings is something resulted from thinking. I think therefore I feel. No wonder that we are in constant argument. But that’s fine, as long as it was civilized argument and resulted in a conclusion, it’s a flowing discussion. And a flowing discussion is a good discussion. If this is keep on happening, I don’t think that I ever will in a situation where I don’t speak with my Mom.

A good communication always happened when all parties involved is still interested to speak and listen to each other with open mind. Trust each other that you are communicating to find the best conclusion for all parties involved.

But what if the other party does not trust you? Think that everything you said was a lie, bullsh*tt and theory. All jargons and not fact. To be honest, I don’t know. Trust must be gain and not given. And there must have been a problem even deeper than communication if the parties that are suppose to be communicating are not communicating properly because of lack of trust.

Trust came from experience. If you have been constantly lied to, or being shown to that the person who talk to you contantly does not walk his talk…it was difficult to gain trust. And without trust, I believe it will be very difficult to have an honest & constructive communication.

But what if the spoke person is actually trustworthy but the other party was already cloud by judgement? I believe it will be very frustrating for the spoke person to gain trust. He can do whatever he can to show that he is committed but if the other party’s paradigm is already set, this will also lead to a dead lock.

Open your mind. Don’t be too suspicious. There are people who meant what they say and sincere. Be positive. Be supportive. Wouldn’t life be easier that way? Personally yes. Professionally, it will make the process of choosing a negotiator is very crucial and critical. You need to choose somebody with integrity. Somebody that the other party would trust.

What will you do if you are in a situation where the trust is low and the communication don’t work.

In a company where you found that the level of trust is very low, you can either quit your job or put your head in a sand. Pretend that you see nothing, hear nothing and speak nothing. Passive agressive or apathy. That’s usually the beginning of organization problem. Enron was the classic case. And now to gain trust from the stake holders towards the Corporates, US Government is very strict about transparancy. FCPA (Foreign Corruption Practise Act). Auditors swarming around like mad to ensure transparancy. Transparancy leads to honesty. Honesty leads to trust. Trust leads to constructive communication. Good communication leads to productivity because then people will not have to waste their energy in entertaining rumours and office politics.

What about in personal relationship?

You can either walk away - if you are married you can get divorce if it is permitted by your religion, if you are a child you can move out of your parents house (Indonesian proverb said that keluarga kalau jauh bau wangi kalau dekat bau tai - relatives if living far away will smell wonderfully, if living closely will smell sh*tt or you can simply limit your interaction with that annoying relatives/friends.

You can also put your head in a sand. Being ignorant and pretend that nothing happened. But by doing this, you were simply swept the dust under the rug. You are sitting in a time bomb. If you are married - usually this will lead into an affair.

Human are social creature. The failure of unable to communicate with the loved one, will not diminish the need to communicate. And usually an affair started innocently. It started from a chat over a coffee followed by emotional bond. An affair does not always mean sleeping together or making dates behind spouse’s back. If you are emotionally tied so somebody else other than your spouse, to me, it’s already an affair. And at this time you should have seen red flag everywhere. You are heading into a marriage disaster. And with or without divorce, if you have children already, they will always be the innocent victims of your communication failure. Would you prefer that over trying to fix your trust and restore communication with your spouse?

How’s that for today fruit for thought?