A year a go, it was our third days at home with baby Pascal and this little gentleman was calmer if I compared to his brother.

I remember cradling him close to my breast and he looked at me seriously. Bundled in blue blanket, he looks cuter than ever. Baby Pascal seldom cried. And when he does, it was sort of gentle cry who brought pity rather than agitation. Agitate? Yes, I agitated quite a lot during my first child birth. I don’t mean to sound as if I love Pascal more than I love Mika or Pascal was an easier new born compared to Mika but I guess this is more to anticipating new life.

Lets face it, I was not a kid person. If there was a kid in sight, I usually skirted my way around these little creatures nervously. I guess I was not train to deal with them. I was not prepared on how to look after them. I know that this may sound funny or even a bit weird coming from a woman who suppose to be born with maternal instinct, but that’s the fact. The funniest thing though, kid usually liked me. As I did not tend to speak in high pitch noise to them and hugging them too tight. In fact, I respect them and treat them like an equal. More often than not - I had serious conversation with them about how rain is created, why Kent loves Barbie and this seem to keep them happy.

I could tell that hubby was frustrated with this lack of motherhood and I learned to coup with it. It took a while but finally I managed. Or at least I hope I had managed. Therefore, when I finally got pregnant again, I vowed to my self that I will enjoy it as this will be our last baby (yes dear hubby, Pascal is our last baby. No question about it) and my last chance to feel the gift as a mother. No more worries about miscarriage or still birth or any potential birth defect, basically I want to enjoy every second of being pregnant and having a baby.

This little baby surprisingly agreed to work with me making my vow happened since he was inside my womb. Baby Pascal did not kick as much as his big brother and as he grew up, he proved to be more resilience baby having to compete with a boisterous brother. More adventorous and adaptable. I don’t mean to compare my children, but when you look both of them I could not see any similarity between them. Sometimes I found it hard to believe that they both were born from the same womb. Mika is as brown as ginger bread, big and sturdy with curly spikey hair. There’s an air of macho boy but yet his heart is so tender, so sensitive, he knew when I am upset without me raising my voice.

Pascal is totally different. He is fair, small and yet very athletic with straight brown hair. He was sometimes mistaken for oriental baby boy and once a friend of mine asked whether I was dreaming to have an oriental guy when I was carrying him. What a thing to suggest! Well, Jet Lee maybe! Or Russel Wong. Maybe that’s the reason why he is so valiant. He is so brave and use to fight his brother relentlessly when his toy is taken or when he wanted to play with Mika. He even jumped on his brother’s back and tried to pull his hair. Needless to say Mika was screaming on the top of his lunges.

Anyway, I was saddened that I was not with my valiant little baby when he celebrated his first birthday. But as hubby said, don’t get melancholy. Do what you have to do and make the best out of it. He’s right, of course. But again, when I compared it to Mika, he seemed to get my fullest attention for his first birthday party.

So dearie, if you read this when you grow up, I am sorry that I was not there when you had your first birthday. But it does not mean that I love you less than anything else for I love you and your brother more than anything else in the world. I was thinking about you constantly and I hoped I can be with you for your next birthdays. I love you and happy belated birthday.