23 Jan
Just like in the film making….camera rolling and….action!
It usually starts with a friend of mine (who usually a girl) start pouring her heart out. During this holly moment I felt obliged to make several polite gesture such as nodding, frowning, followed by several ‘a-ha’, ‘ouch’ or ‘oh dear’ and look attentive whilst patiently waiting for her to finish talking. When she is finished (or at least I though she was whereas probably she only paused for a breath) I started throwing ideas to solve her problems. If I had a paper and pencil with me, I even will scribble some note mapping her problem, pointing arrows to several options, analyzing it before jotting down some ideas and make action plan. I thought my action plan would help her.
This probably a big mistake due to following reason: 1) she does not seem to listened to a word I said and 2) she said that I don’t understand her situation. Huh? Where did I do wrong? I tried to accept this feedback positively and offer some alternatives action including citing some experts’ theories. But from the way she wrinkled her nose and murderous eye contact I knew that it was not right either so I finally asked her to tell me why she does not think my action plan (supported by some precedence and valid sample) will work in her situation. She then told me that talk is cheap. It won’t work in her situation because it is different. Just because my friend A had the same identical problem it does not mean that I could use what was best for this A person to her (I seemed to have lots of problematic friends). I told her that although this is true (I agreed - everybody is different like everybody else) but there got to be some similarities that we could learn from other’s situation. She then furiously added that it was easy for me to advise because I was not the one that had to go through this misery (what she means by misery usually ranged from series of having a crush to the wrong person to having her favorite cup in the office used by someone else. On another time, it was when her e-mail was not replied by a colleague). This confuse me even more so again I asked her another stupid question which if she thinks I can’t understand her situation and therefore completely useless to help her, why did she even bother to ramble for more than 20 minutes to me and did not appreciate my action plan. She then told me that she just want to be listened. But hey, isn’t a good listener must be able to provide some solution? Apparently not. I am completely lost.
Having met few more friends with similar behavior made me start to realize that sometimes people only need couple of ears where they could spit things out. Acceptance would come later as I still need to comprehend why people want to talk about problems without wanting to explore solution and taking action to solve it. The answer comes hard and cold, because solution means action. And action means risk as one may need to venture out of one’s comfort zone. Action means taking some responsibility in doing something and make sure it works. Easy? Apparently not if it is not involving something you desired.
Let me give you an example. A friend of mine involved her self with a married man. My friend is single, pretty, educated, wealthy and her married boy friend is everything that she is not. She’d been in this affair for quite sometimes in which from time to time she called me for advice (or at least that’s what I think) to ramble how difficult her life is. What she meant by difficult ranged from finding a suitable place for both of them to have dinner together without bumping to someone they knew to how to deal with the guilt creeping inside her. My advice is very simple, dump him. He’s not worth it. Sooner or later the wife will find out. Will she be willing to loose everything when the time comes? Will she be willing to be seen as ‘the kept woman’? But did she hear me? No. She kept on seeing this guy and I failed to understand how come my sweet, sensible friend can be so stupid. Being a wife my self, I felt a pang of anger on how light it seems for her to get involve with someone else’s husband. But she is my friend anyway and who am I to judge? So I lurked around, make my self available for her ramble, still hoping that I could drill some senses into her and get her into action.
Finally the nightmare arrived. His wife found out. Called and threatened her to leave her husband. My friend went cold and I really had to bite my tongue and restrain my self for saying, “I told you so”. She waited too long so someone else finally take action in the situation.
It took quite a while for me to realize the reason behind her reluctance for something that I thought was easy and obvious. The reason why it was so difficult for her to accept my advice was because she was afraid to take this as her responsibility. She loved him so much she kept on hoping that there will be a way out without she initiates it. She did not want to start the difficult conversation. She even hoped that he was the one who left her so in ending this affairs, she won’t have to be the one that hurts other’s feeling. Isn’t that crazy? I almost snorted hearing this, why would this man leave her? The situation seems too perfect for him. On the other side, the situation is nothing but a nightmare to her. Why didn’t she take action? Was he really THAT nice? She said yes. She said that she has never met a man as nice as this person. He made her feel comfortable with her self. She felt looked after and taken care of. She was afraid that if she broke up with him, she won’t find someone else with kindness close to his kindness. But isn’t life is about choosing what is right? And not what is easy? Wouldn’t be better if she was the one who told him that it’s over rather than having his wife telling her it’s over? She kept quiet and I did not pursue this subject anymore.
I personally found it hard to believe to see the numbers of people who shoved their problem under the rug and expect it to disappear. Life does not work that way. It’s either you took full responsibility on your life, or you will let someone else dictate it for you. Which one that you choose?
In such case, when I finally understand that what my (girl) friends need is actually only for me to listen and not to give solution then I stopped offering solution. I lend them my ears instead. At least that’s my action plan for a while.
4 Jan
Happy New Year, wishing you all the best for the coming year!!
What happened in 2005:
What I want to happen in 2006:
Am I being too ambitious?