Having worked in multi national environment for the past 9 years has made me use to stereotypes. American adored freedom of thinking, British are adventurous, Dutch are humanist (by letting gay get married and legalized pots), Singaporean are hard worker and Indonesian are friendly people. These are positive stereotypes. On the other hand, there are also a set of negative stereotypes such as American are loud mouthed, British are rigid, Dutch are cheap, Singaporean are rude and Indonesian are corrupt. This list of negative stereotypes can go on and on and on.

However, being a dedicated human behavior observer I noted that beneath the surface, human actually are the same everywhere. I’ve met Indonesian who are loud mouthed (especially those who came from Northern Sumatra or East Java) and I’ve met American who are gentle and softly spoken. I’ve met a very polite Singaporean and I’ve met a very generous Dutchman. These are okay and in general people understood it. Stereotype is generated so people could have a vague idea towards a complete new subject. However, one should not make judgment nor decision based on stereotype. Why? Because every human is a unique individual and everybody is different, just like everybody else.

I think what irritated me most is when people started generalizing or judging others based on stereotype. And this is not only towards my fellow expatriate but also to my fellow Indonesian. I used to hear that expatriates are greedy and selfish. Indonesia is not their motherland and therefore this foreign management is trying to take whatever then can. And who let them do that? Hello??? I am aware that some foreign management maybe deliberately do that but to say (let say) that these American is so greedy, they can’t never get enough I think shows the speaker ignorance. Because the truth is, I knew some American who genuinely trying to help us with no string attached. From one human to another. Regardless the fact that one skin is brown and the other is white.

On the other hand, I also got the impression from some of the expatriates that in general Indonesian has no respects towards time, indiscipline and tend not to tell the truth. Hmmm…all I could say that I’ve seen people trying to take things that they are not suppose to take, made false reason not to go to the office and believe me, they were not limited to skin color or nationality or the balance of your check book. It is done by the rich, by the poor and by the middle class. Human behavior is human behavior. Power tends to corrupt. And therefore a balance between control and empowerment is very important. It is another ignorance to say because you are poor(er) therefore you are entitled to take more. Believe me, rich and poor are also very subjective word. Enough is a very subjective word. Enough about grammar!!

Culture is another thing. Many stereotypes made based on culture generalization. And for this, below is the quote that I think represent the difference between East and West:

Westerner are children of Plato, they are always seeking for the truth
Easterner are children of Confusius, they are always seeking to live in harmony

In another word, being a Westerner, you won’t be shy to present the truth. You would argue fierce fully for something that you believe is right even though that would mean that you are going to ruffle some feathers. The truth is so important because the truth provides clarity. Is that so? In majority, maybe yes. But reading the newspaper headlines about the debate within the Bush Government has really made me questioned the real meaning quote. What will happen if this is happen in Indonesia or is Politicians are the same everywhere? This is another generalization.

On the other hand, Easterner is very conscious in maintaining harmony by making consensus decision. Making a group decision rather than individual decisions tends to be more favored for the sake of harmony. My late Father has a very delicate phrase. He used to say, “It is not what you say but it is how you say it. It is how you pull out a hair through flour. You should be able to do it without leaving a mark behind.” That’s his famous advise, usually after I argue fierce fully towards the eldest. Being a city girl for my entire life, I snorted at this advise. However, now that I am a grown up and therefore society demands me to ‘behave better’, I appreciate and treasured his advise even more.

Therefore, to my frustrated fellow expatriate I used to say that their Indonesian staff did not mean to hide something from them or not telling them truth. And silence does not mean agreement. And that they should appreciate the difficulties for their Indonesian colleague to say directly that your plan sucks (let alone saying it in English) as they don’t want to hurt your feeling. On the other hand I used to encourage my fellow Indonesian to be more direct and open with their western colleagues. It is not a matter of being impolite, although you still should put it nicely, but it is a matter of being clear and speak your concern if you have any. They will appreciate it.

My point is, stereotyping is good as beginning. It gives you a point to start a communication with other people. However, negative stereotype is bad. As it will hinder you from other people good quality.

It started on one of those days when I met a very rude person in a meeting. And what I mean by rude was very rude. Completely ignoring that other person in the room may have feeling this j*ck *ss constantly rambling about what he thinks should have been done, could have been done and would have been done if he was in charge. Guess what, he was not in charge. Thank God.

This show of arrogance happened for several minutes until one of my colleague activated the recording machine and voila! Suddenly his parade of anger diminished. Followed by a more civilized behavior. Since everything was recorded by a machine (not only by human memory) suddenly he felt that he must (and he could) watch his language. Apparently in his perception things are different if somehow what you said can be re-played. It somehow necessary when it could became solid evidence of his pathetic behavior.

At first I sneered at this sudden change. This person was an egomaniac and selfish person. Care only for what was important for him self. When he was in danger of putting him self in legal problem, he demonstrate an ability to restrain him self for behaving badly. When he was not, he was his true self. At least that was my first assessment.

But when I looked at my self and my son’s innocent eyes, I realized that I was no different than this character. How many times that I restrained my self not to say few things in front of him with the fear that he would repeat it later? Too many. My 3 ½ years old son is the best recording machine in the world. He absorb everything you say and everything you do like a sponge. There’s a fear in me that he would follow my not-so-good behavior and demonstrated it someplace else and people would say, “Didn’t his parents teach him to behave?”.

Right. Now I have become one of those hypocrite parents where ‘I could do that but you can’t do that’ kind of parents, which I hate. I am a strong believer of teaching by giving example but as an adult (now I have to admit that I am starting justifying my self now) I sometimes felt the need to say some bad word. Now I really have to be careful and be creative in expressing my anger.

As difficult as it seems, restraining my self is not that difficult compared to having to explain other’s inappropriate behavior. One day he saw a woman with veil run on jammed street, banged on the window of a taxi, shouted to the taxi driver and made him pulled over. My son was so intrigued with that scene and kept on asking why that auntie was so upset.

To be honest, I didn’t know what happened. The taxi driver could have had bumped that woman’s car and scratch it, who knows what might happen in Jakarta busy street and how people would react? But he was so occupied with this scene and kept on saying that she should have not bang on the window, she could have just knocked the window gently. I told him that I agreed and that perhaps that auntie was very very upset so she banged the window. Later on he asked that if he was really upset, can he bang instead of knock? I was speechless. I told him no. He should try to react gently first. But I am aware how things can be different on the street. I was merely postponing the lesson on how to be streetwise.

Another scene was during the last fasting month when a group who called them selves “The Defenders of Islam” running riots, breaking and entering some clubs that had closed earlier during Ramadhan. They tossed down the table, rummaging the place, even beaten up an innocent by passers. These people were wearing religious symbol, symbol that my son perceived as a clothes to go to Mosque or to be worn during Idul Fitri. So again he asked why these people are so upset. To be honest, I didn’t have any answer to his questions as these people behavior also sickened me. So I simply change the channel with the hope that he would forget his question. And he did. Kids forget easily. But do they?

I don’t think so. I believe whatever we do is recorded in some way. Not in theological way (recorded by the angels, that’s what I mean) or technical way but also with other human around you. Younger generations most importantly. Isn’t that scary when you realized that whatever you do will impact people that you don’t even know, let alone that you intend them to see it as how things suppose to be done. I don’t think there are many of us who realized it. Nor care. Plus everybody has their own values. What is ok for you, may not be ok for me and vice versa. So how should we protect our kids from values that we think it’s not right according to us?

Back to my previous paragraph, the answer is to consistently giving them the right sample. Aren’t being parents great? You can’t be your self if your kids around. In another word, unless you are an angel, don’t expect your kid to be one. Who am I kidding? Who wants to have angelic kid? Well, I do. To be honest. But who am I anyway? All I can do is trying my best so all he recorded are the positive one from my side. Just like the j*rk in the beginning of this rambling.

Therefore, whenever I lost my patient over my kid, usually I count over 10 before I react. I keep on reminding my self, that my kid was only repeating what he saw from us (oh yes, I didn’t let my husband off the hook of my kid’s need-some-improvement behavior). Seeing his behavior is like seeing in a mirror. It represent of who we are and how he behave. Kids are our little recording machine so you’d better watch what you said and do around them. Ain’t life great?