It has been a week since I enter my third world as part time student. As predicted, it was really tiring. In the first session, I barely could open my eyes. Second session, it was better but my head was still pounding loudly. Third session started to get better.

Other than adjusting to the new sleeping hours, the classes has been great. The lecturers are funny and the new friends are a blast. I must say that we fit in quite nicely although the majority is 10 years younger than me. Tee hee. I am the second oldest student in class. But so far so good.

In one of our family’s lunch in ChopStix, the waiter gave us four fortune cookies. Perhaps as a recognition that we have been their loyal customer. Or simply to distract my boys from tearing the place apart whilst waiting for the food to be cooked. And here’s what it said:

Mine: A good laugh and a good cry both cleanse the mind.

Hmm…what a coincidence. I was in a verge of nervous breakdown and had a hard time in maintaining my sanity. Living in two worlds required nerve of steel, and sometimes I felt that I did not have it to keep the patient and common sense going. There’s always PMS lurking in every corner of the month.

Hubby’s: Happy events will take place shortly in your home.

What could it be? We have no upcoming celebration so far. I hope it’s not the fact that I went Offshore again last week. Ow, perhaps it’s the installation of water heater!

Mika’s: Keep up the good work. You will be rewarded.

He just had good score in English and other subjects, and he has been very enthused in learning. So I guess it means that he has to keep the momentum going. Atta boy!

Pascal’s: You offered the dream of a lifetime. Say yes!

Well, what could be the possibility that a 3.5 years old offered the dream of a lifetime. What would be his dream? He surely was not offered to be a truck driver! Let me see…he just did his kindergarten admission test yesterday. He did good. Showed independence, confidence and excitement. So I guess it meant that this is his dream. Tee hee.

Hopefully.

Don’t worry, this is not going to be a New Year Resolution Note kind of stuff. I have stopped making resolution as most of the time I failed to keep them. All I do now is just make plan and try to meet my plan as best as I could.

What will happen this year in my life? I mean, if God allows (Insya Allah)…let me see…

1. I will start taking night classes to obtain my Master Degree. This will mean less time with my family and other mundane things I used to do in 2008. I believe that it is worth to note that my shorter working hours apparently had created boredom and issues in other areas as in…more domestic dispute! In 2007, I was so f*cking busy, I spent 12 - 14 hours in the office excluding 1 -2 hours travel time and resulted in…less dispute! How can we have argument if we never meet? But it did not mean that the dissatisfaction was not exist, we just never had the time to bring it to the surface. ‘Fortunately’ we could do it in 2008. But after a while, it got tiring and it is cleared that I need something to keep me busy so I won’t nag in every little things and drive my kind hubby crazy. There’s tendency for me to manage everything and got frustrated if things don’t happen the way I want to. My thought, my plan and my act command. Enough about me. I have to learn to let go some of this tendencies. The urge to perfect things and drive everybody nuts in the process.

2. I will travel less due to point no 1 and economic crisis that hit the world. Hooray! As much as I like travelling, I found it very time consuming and a fast way to bankruptcy. When you travelled you tend to spend more money (than your allowance allow). So when I re-calculate everything, I lost the valuable time with my family and I lost my savings! Shoot.

3. Pascal will enter kindergarten! My baby boy will start going through a more formal education. Poor little thing! He’ll be caged for the next 20 years in so called education institution and be like me! Oh dear…

4. Mika will start taking swimming lesson. Actually he has been quite good in swimming. But I want him to improve his strokes. In the same time, probably Pascal and hubby could join the lesson. Then I’d feel more comfortable to take them sailing. It’s not really fun when you are the only one in the family who can swim and dive like dolphins. You tend to have nervous breakdown whenever you see them without their life jacket.

5. Spend more family time in non-mall situation to avoid consumerism. I have noted Kite Museum, Widayanto Ceramic House, Mekarsari Fruit Garden, Jungle Park, Waterbom and other outbound activities as 2009 venues to visit. Hopefully we can make it.

How’s that sound?

In few hours, the year 2008 will be behind us. It’s time to reflect of what have we done for the past 12 months. Have we done better. Could we done better. Anything that we wished we that we could have done differently. Anything that we wished that we could experience again. Could have. Would have. Should have.

Let me see my list of new things this year:

1. Lost 10 kilograms due to spartan acupuncture and diet program.

2. Went Offshore for the first time. Followed by the second, third and fourth. It’s a progressing journey nevertheless where I got more and more comfortable in my (now not so new) family and ‘house’.

3. Went to Batam and Beijing for the first time.

4. Mikhail got new scars, 1 on his belly, 1 on his eyebrow and 1 on his cheek. Resulted from his fight with Pascal who -miraculously, thanks to his patient big brother- remained unscathed.

5. Mikhail is now green belt in his tae kwon do lesson.

6. Pascal is getting bigger and bigger. He could manage a conversation and started to have his opinion.

7. Had the first full family holiday to Bali.

8. Begin to bring my dream to start schooling again into reality.

9. Have sister in law.

I still have few regrets. There are things that I would have differently had I been given a chance to repeat. But since I can’t turn back the time or put the time to a stop, all I can do is learn from my mistake. No matter how sweet some of the mistakes are, I will not let it shadow my step. Move on. Don’t turn back.

But other than that, I laughed, I lived and I loved. And I feel loved most of the time. It’s been a good year for me. Good job. Good family. Good work location. Good friends. What more could I ask? Probably God forgiveness for He knew that I have sinned a lot.

Happy New Year everybody!

In Indonesia, Mother Day is celebrated on 22 Dec. I have been having these thoughts lingering in the corner of my mind since several days a go. But without the time and opportunity to write it, my fingers numb from too much restraining to pour this thoughts into words. So here we go…

With all the work and life hustling and bustling around me, plus some enlightenment from friends and series of soul searching episodes, I came to conclusion that actually the core business of life is at home. Please bear with my HR jargons. It’s all I know. It’s all I have been for the past decade. So please, bear with me. Let me continue my mundane rambling.

So actually, the ‘man’s work’, which is to finance his family literally means to finance the ‘core business’. Making money part of life has been the support function. The business is the family. Just like in an oil and gas company. The core business, or the main goal, is making money through selling oil and gas. The rest are meant to support this to happen.

Same thing with the family. The vision is to ‘deliver’ the next generations with the best quality. It could be something like:

20 years from now, deliver two young men to the world. Young men who are honest, have good integrity, independent, responsible, and able to do their role and responsibility with good leadership and communication skills.

When vision broken down into series of goal, like a SMART (Specific, Measurable, Aggressive, Realistic, Time Bound) goal, the goal of a family could be:

1. Provide a good family work environment where kids could grow and learn.

2. Provide opportunity for the best education.

3. Provide opportunity to experience life at its fullest and learn to make decision.

This three goals are already stretch enough to meet due to:

1. Limited number of resources (only me, hubby and next of kins)

2. Quality of resources (no parenting experience)

3. Limited time (only 24/7)

However, there are opportunity for development through:

1. Making the time.

2. Focus. When you are with your family, everything else should be forgotten.

3. Consistency and discipline.

And this is all actually how a leadership of a Mother comes to play. A Father’s core business, traditionally (some of my friends would say ‘naturally’) is to finance his family. To support the Mother so she could lead the core business with one mind and soul.

Imagine what is like to be a working mother. When your mind and soul are divided to two core business. If all mothers are working mothers, then full time working mothers are actually squared mothers. Am I right or am I correct?

Happy mothers day, Moms…

After the first hiccups, I finally received the letter that I had been accepted into my dreamed business school. I thought that I would be thrown to the seventh heaven of joy. But to be honest, once the excitement subside, I had a mixed feeling. I looked at my sons in wonder, knowing that I will not be able to spend as much time as possible with them again for the next 2 years. Pascal will be 6 and Mikhail will be 10 when I finish school. Oh my…I already could feel times slipping through my fingers…

So I did another SWOT analysis, a lot of soul searching and think until my head hurts. And now I am convinced that this is something I need to do. I have been wanting to do this since 8 years a go, and if I delayed this, I may spend the rest of my life wondering. So all I can do is give everything my best shot. My family, my work, my school…all I can do is give my best effort and let the result take it place. Pray for me, will you? I am in the beginning of another journey which I hope will result in another happiness…

On another side of the equation, the kids seemed to be even cuter than ever. This conversation happened in a morning around 05:15 am when I prepared my self to go to work and Mika has finished showering. He was going to have his english examination so I gave him some questions and baby Pascal was really enthused to help. This conversation took place in mix English and Bahasa Indonesia, so baby Pascal could participate in giving answer:

Me: What is little dog in english?

Mika: Puppy

Pascal: Woof woof

Mika looked at his little brother in annoyance and said, “Mom did not ask how it sound?” but his little brother looked back in annoyance and reply, “Whatever…” I managed to suppress my grin and continue:

Me: What is little duck in english?

Mika: Duckling!

Pascal: Kwek kwek!

Mika threw another look of annoyance and Pascal looked back stubbornly as if he was saying, “So what? I want to answer too!”

Me: What is little cow in english?

Mika:…mhhhh….

Pascal: Mooooooo

Mika, “Be quiet! I can’t think! Mom did not ask the sound of it!”

Ok, so it was about time for to change the rule of the game,

Me: That’s ok. Pascal can do the sound and it’s ok if you can’t answer.

Mika scowl and Pascal showed a line of white teeth…

I knew that I am going to miss these moments.

BEWARE: WEIRD CONFESSION AHEAD

Lets pretend that we are in an Employee Assistant Program session with a Spychologist eh Psychologist that listen to your rambling with ‘template’  procedural face…

It has been a while since I got the feeling that I am actually a man trapped inside a woman’s body. Yup. Weirdo. That’s what hubby, Mom and friends said about me. Definitely too much testosterone. Probably due to the steroids I consumed for years to keep my Lupus at bay, no wonder I grew moustache…just kidding!

Don’t get me wrong, physically and tastefully (if there’s such a word) I am very woman. I like to go to salon for hours, dye my hair, crazy about pink, put on make up, dressed in beautiful dresses, afraid of weight gain, press my tooth paste neatly, put dirty laundry in a basket and not leaving it on the floor, pull out the clothes out of rack in proper manner, crazy about hygiene, paranoid on security, worried about freckles and gravity, change my mind a lot …and the list could go on and on. You name it.

But on the other hand, I don’t really into celebrity gossips, romantic movies, mellow songs, endless shopping or hours of heart pouring emotion episodes females use to have and I am not into crying. In fact, I found difficulties to cry. It actually feels good if I could cry. But I couldn’t. And a worst day in the Offshore production field to me is still a better day than a good day in the kitchen.

Other than that, I have more men friends rather than women friends, and yet they all are platonic. I felt so much more comfortable with men rather than with women (although I am not sure whether the feeling is mutual!) so when you see me with a man, don’t jump into conclusion. They are my buddies entirely. I am more interested to national geographic, discovery and other seriously boring science type of information. I prefer data, facts and clear guidelines. I despised emotions as that is not my arena. Really. How weird is that for an HR person?

Anyway, last night I had chat with an old friend of mine who I literally grew up with. He was my neighbour and we went to the same school for years. He was (and still is) one of hubby’s best friend so he knew both of us since we were children. He started as play boy of the year and ended up as one of the most religious man on earth. And his conclusion was that I am not man trapped inside a woman’s body. But I am a woman living a man’s life. There’s a different. My job and my role required some masculinity in me. Androginity. Hence I am experiencing some sort of mild gender confusion. This is more into my conclusion rather than his.

So, no wonder I kept on feeling that there’s a missing piece in me. Something fallen not quite on its place. Left a hole in me. Making me feel incomplete, or it’s not right. Or not natural.

Thank you for bearing with me. I just admit. I am a mutan.

I spent the past two days to pamper my self.

I went to Bersih Sehat on Saturday and have 1.5 hours massage followed by 15 minutes sauna. Oh my, I felt so refreshed! The smell of washed and conditioned hair mixed with hair vitamin and aroma therapy did make me feel brand new. I spent the remaining day feeling drowsy and napping. Boy, I was tired…

Today, I went to salon and decided to re-highlight my hair and put more blonde color this time on top of brown and burgundy. I kinda like the result now. Not sure how it would look after several washing. Usually the color will get brighter. Argh!!

And afterwards, a friend of mine who seek for HR consultation picked me up and took me to PIM where I will be joining Mika and hubby to watch Bolt. Since we did not have much time, and he has his brother and family at the back seat of his car, we had quick-straight-to-the-point-conversation. Come to think of it, I felt like laughing. Since I was not properly introduced, his family must have thought, “Who is this blond-burgundy-brown hair woman who jumped in our (single) brother’s car from salon and being dropped off at the mall to meet her husband and kid??” But really, we did not have time to re-analyze the situation. Not to mention that on the way to PIM, in the middle of strategic discussion, my friend sort of pointed out, “..hey, who is that fair girl, can you introduce her to me?”…yeah, purely platonic…hihihi…

Anyway, I jumped off and promised to have follow up conversation through phone. I ran off to the cinema and made it in time. So now if you excuse me, I would like to re-think about my hair situation. Did I just make mistake? Shall I re-dye it with black? Argh!

After spending 3 full days Offshore and several hours transit in Matak Island, I am finally home and reunited with my family.

My trip Offshore has been a pleasure as always, but this time I must noted that this trip has been the most successful and pleasant one. With the exception when the alarm rang because it detected toxic gas and we had to muster and ready to be evacuated. I felt my heart sank to my knees. But seeing the leaders jumped on their feet to find out what was going on and seeing the crew came in a ‘relax’ manner, I felt safer. It seemed just a routine to them. Tee hee.

Apart from that, the audience in Beautiful Belanak was great yesterday. The questions they raised were good ones which some of it I also don’t know the answer and some of it I realized it’s a reality that I can not deny. The (not-so) new OIM has been such a great help too. He is so much better than his predecessor. His firmness that delivered in a friendly and relax manner had really helped in answering questions. I was flabbergasted. He blew my mind away. A realistic leader it’s what the crew needs in the coming years where we have global crisis hanging on to us.

The Apprentices we met and had session with had also been great. I met one who really stood out. Delivering his presentation in clear, coherent and concise manner, and very confident. And what surprised us was that he also delivered his expectation and feedback clearly. Feedback for the company! Imagine that. At 21 years old age to people who are far more senior than him. Such a proud soul. He swept me off my feet and I looked at the Field Manager who came with me and I could see from his shining eyes that he was even more excited than me. We have bright soul on board! Imagine where they will bring this organization in the future! Imagine what can they be. Now we need to think about strategy in grooming them. And with the current set of field leaders, I trust that we can deliver.

Later on, I had a discussion with the OIM on some people strategy until quite late at night and I truly enjoyed it. That is the best part of this trip. To be able to get my self on the ground, being close to the reality and discussing things with trustworthy soul. I have scribbled so many notes, the pages were unaccountable. Knowing that I have so many materials to be discussed with their Senior Manager in Jakarta had made me feel very contented.

So, with the fevering travel companion, we choppering back to Matak on Friday morning. Poor man. He must have gotten some cold or something. So we spent the transit period in the clinic where he slept and I ate. Perfect combination. No competitor in devouring these delicious snacks! The nurse there catered me with so many delicious crackers, I was positive that I gained few kilos this time. They were irresistible!

We finally called that the plane will take off around 10:30 am. The Field Manager seemed to be in a better condition, I was glad that he seemed recovered. At least I would not have to worry that he will faint or something that would result in evacuation. Phiew.

I arrived home in the afternoon, and happy to meet my boys again. Pascal hugged me so tight and I spent few hours cuddling up with him in bed just to satisfied my longing.

With Idul Adha around the corner, I wish everybody a good long weekend and Selamat Hari Raya Idul Adha.

Life has been treating me beautifully lately. I flew to Batam last Thursday for a meeting on Friday morning and it went well. I always enjoy meeting my clients who had become more and more like friends to me, it made it difficult sometimes to draw the line. But why should we draw the line anyway, wouldn’t it be great to be able to work with your friends? Friends that you trusted and trust you back. As long as you can compartmentalized your self whenever you need to. And I had been doing it so far. It has been a pleasure journey so far and I am so looking forward to work with them in the year to come.

And then I went Offshore. I was so full of adrenaline and excitement I nearly could not sleep the night before I flew Offshore. It has been 6 months since I was Offshore and I have been missing my days in the middle of the sea, meeting the people that I like and doing things that I love. And I’d be with a ‘lovely’ travel companion. A Field Manager who I respect a lot, and learn a lot. A fine human being whose heart towards his people is in the right place. I was so looking forward to travel with him.

And I am on my second day Offshore. I was in Belida yesterday and today I am in my favourite field, Hiu Kerisi. This field is so small and cute, and the interior design is cute, cute and cute! I love my room. I love the color of the bathroom. I love the curtain. I love the color of the wallpaper. I love the window that brought me the sea view. And I love the food! The food, oh man! I nearly had an orgasm over a martabak mesir. If I was single, and the Cheft was single, I probably would have married him. It’s so true when they said that love came from stomach. I was falling in love deeply with everything he catered me…*sorry, hubby, I love you -muach!-*

And last dream, if I could, I would dip my self in the ocean blue and feel the salty water. It has been years since I swim in the sea. I could not help looking out. Dreaming of the sea who enticed me with its waves. How would it feel, swimming in the middle of the deep ocean. Dive in and see the silvery fishes in real. Oh how lovely. I wish I could…

Tomorrow I will be choppering to my-not-so-favourite-field these days. Beautiful Belanak. I still love her though but it seemed that I kept on getting burnt fingers there. The audience can be quite hostile, and I was never sure whether I will get the support when it was needed. So I need to put on thicker bullet proof vest. I’d never know what I’ll get there. Oh well, it’s part of the job.

And on Friday, I will be home and reunited with my family. Yay!

After Beijing trip, my life seemed to be fast forwarded in full speed. I seemed to have lunch more on the table alone or with my friends discussing work. And I seemed to go home a lot more later than usual. It’s a perfect combination of rating calibration season and managing additional accounts as one of our colleague moved to another department. It’s exhausting and tiring. When I am home, I usually just hit the sack and collapsed ’til morning. And the stories repeated again on the next day.

The good thing is, during weekend I spent it full day with my family.

We had quite a busy day on Saturday. It started with me (re)doing math test in my dreamed business school. Due to better preparation this time, I think I managed ok. I only need to do more soul searching as to why do I want to do this a.k.a why do I want to add more stress into my almost manageable life? I need to search my soul better as I still have not find the answer until now.

After test, Pascal and hubby picked me up for coffee and cookies at Starbucks, before we picked up Mika from his Tae Kwon Do School. Guess who had the cookies crumbs all over the mouth? We have little cookie monster with us. We then had lunch in Ny. Suharti where we also spent sometimes to play around the fish pond and marginal play ground. Again, my cookie monster ate a full plate of rice with chicken. I wonder what happened with his diet program? It did not seem to work…

After that we went to PIM 2 to watch Beverly Hills Chihuahua. It was Pascal’s first time watching movie in the theatre so he was very excited. He kept on going up and down, inside and out and stood up on his chair. It was a bit frustrating and yet it was fun. But not for poor Mika who seemed embarrased with his little brother’s boisterous attitude. So we tried to manage Pascal’s endless energy by taking turn in taking him out and taking him in again. And the fact that we sat two rows from above made it quite tiring for a couple of mid 30s like us. Not to mention that we lost the continuation of the movie. Argh!!

And then we went for dinner at ChopStix for the hundredth times. We’ve been going there every week for months! The boys seemed never grow tired of it and I seriously thought that ChopStix should have give us discount or some sort of recognition as loyal customer!

Oh well, I guess what is important is that we were together. Nomatter what we eat. So we went home tired and contented. We slept right away, surrounded by the kids and I thought that I had never felt happier in my life like where I was on Saturday. I love you, boys.

Although I enjoyed every moment in the ancient city of Beijing, I was happy to finally be home again and be surrounded by people and things that are familiar to me. I missed my family like crazy and on top of everything, I missed my kids terribly. I was glad to be able to return healthily and have them in my arms again. We cuddling up in bed for quite sometimes, having them pressed their apple cheeks against mine, chatted to catch up where we have left and later on, they ‘helped’ me unpack my suitcase. Tearing it apart to find their own gift to be precise. Which I gladly let them do.

Other than bringing tons of souvenirs and pictures from trade battle in Silk Market, I also brought aching muscle as well. Result of rigorous walking including going down the stairs on fire drill. And my back was also ached from carrying lap top everywhere. I am thinking to buy a lighter lap top back pack. A Delsey perhaps. Red one. Ok, enough hint!

So on Saturday, I went for 1.5 massage in Bersih Sehat followed by 15 minutes sauna. It was so relaxing. The massager paid special attention to my back and…ehm…numb butt. I told her that I have been sitting for hours on my poor butt. The blood seemed to clogged there. Hihihi. I was then served by warm ginger milk and instantly felt better. On my way home, I stopped for a bowl of Bakso Atom for lunch. Ah my stomach felt so contented having the cheese meat balls after 6 days eating Chinese exotic cuisine. There’s nothing more delicious than your hometown cuisine. If you can consider meat balls as cuisine. I do.

And then in the afternoon, my Mom took me and the kids to my brother’s house. The newly wed just moved in. The house was literally empty. It was nice and small. Located in a hook. The grass had grown quite wildly and they need some basic stuff to live it properly. We ended up discussing the never ending shopping list. The joy of starting a new life. We did not spend much time there as the rain started pouring down quite heavily. And we were afraid that the road would be flooded. So we went home. And it was indeed raining heavily and the road did start to flood. Lucky we got home safely.

Mika then slept in my Mom’s house to keep her company. So I was left cuddling up with baby Pascal. Oh, he refused to be called baby. But I knew that he will always be a baby to me. No matter how old he will be. Not long after Pascal fell asleep I also started to feel drowsy. The rain was still pouring heavily outside brought the temperature to a nice degree. I finally able to sleep in my own bed and I am happy. Have a nice weekend everybody.